recommendation letters

I bet this is something someone (some many ones) has already, so long ago, thought of and wished before, but

I wonder what kind of recommendation letters I've received over the course of my application-writing life. Sort of.

There must have been well-written ones and well-intentioned ones (not always the same); there must have been (must've been) some excellent ones ; and there must have been lukewarm ones from people who felt unqualified to write them -- in their lack of knowledge of the application, of my work, of me.

Not taking into consideration the impossible-to-determine factor of "How Much Did They Actually Count," there were letters that helped me get YES letters and those that didn't help or - who knows? - possibly even helped in the other, unhelpful direction toward the SORRY, UR GR8 BUT NOT ENOUGH letters.

But sometimes - sooooometimes - there are letters that serve a totally different purpose. Letters that your letter-writers show you in pride and happiness sparkling oozingly from their eyes - cue: puppy-like eagerness fill the space between you two - as they proudly display their work of fifteen Word Document minutes with the palpable, unverbalized thought bubbles of "Isn't it a great letter?!" "You will surely get this ______; can thank me later!" "Do you think anything should be added to make this letter any more perfect? NO RIGHT?"

as you realize that, "...maybe I won't get this ______ after all..." Hours of Personal Statement writing, all your resume polishing...careful essay editing...are crumbling to oblivion in the background of your mind. Hopes of a summer job, that dreamy fellowship, all the things that have polished you bit by bit to become the person who wins a YES letter into this program, are going, going, gone. No way anyone will read these bland few paragraphs and truly want to give you money or one of those coveted places, among all those other excellent people with other excellent letters of recommendation. Is this a grand exaggeration? Yes. But also no. But yes.

Cause sometimes - sooooooooooometimes - there are letters that serve a totally different purpose. Letters that make you hope that this particular application review committee throws out all the recommendation letters cause they're just a formality anyways; just to make sure people applying for this are for real for real, they'll go through the trouble of asking - nagging - for letters. Just that. But...letters that...at the end of the day, make you grateful for the relationship you have with this letter-writer, no matter how badly-worded their best efforts to help you out. You realize these things as you walk out after another day at your day job (hah), and she blows you air kisses and you blow kisses back, and the warm fuzzy feelings are really all that matter in these moments.

Thank you for air kisses.