headline bossy clichés of 2011

Do not despair. 

Find a balance.

Journal always.

Take deep breaths and 

Stap ze inzecurity.

Love more.

Keep learning.

Stop being so bossy.

Farewell 2011 & Hello 2012 in eight deep breaths!

dear blue-eyed, full-lipped, dark-haired man,

Hello, you are quite blue-eyed, full-lipped, dark-haired. Quite.

As it so often happens, here I am blogging when I should be studying (&reading through some old posts about blogging instead of studying...a vicious cycle, it seems).

I'm not quite sure if you're worth the moments, but let me just take a few moments to note these moments of sitting across from your blue eyes, full lips, dark brown hair. I can't decide if they are attractive or not...they are almost too much, but still kind of pretty...but almost too muchhh ehhhh cannot decide. They teeter totter on some kind of beauty-ugly-scary verge. A three-way face precipice.

AHHH YOU JUST LOOKED AT ME and for a moment I thought you could:
1. read my mind reading these words
2. read these words backwards and all, through the back of my computer screen

3. but then realized that it was probably because I was crunching my extremely green, extremely sour, mediumly delicious apple, extremely loudly. Oops. Sorry.

But as I said, I'm not quite sure if you're worth these moments. I am also not sure of many, many other things about you. I wonder if you are kind. I wonder if you enjoyed that butter-only-no-cream-cheese-nuh-uh bagle as much as I'm enjoying my extremely green apple, which is only a medium amount, and I hope you enjoyed it more than I'm enjoying this but I dunno you seemed pretty matter of fact about it all. Knife, butter, Swipe-Swipe, Take Bite, chew-Chew. I wonder how long it has been a habit of yours to purse your extremely full lips in the way that you are doing. I wonder if it's a stress-induced thing, cause you look quite stressed, though you seem to be productive. But of course I cannot read your mind and the words it is reading (not) out-loud to you, or read through the backside of your computer screen, or indeed even read backwards that fast, so who knows. I wonder what kind of music is pulsing through your earphones into your earholes into your brainwaves. I wonder if it is stupid that I systematically call everything remotely related to brain activity "brainwaves." But most of all, I wonder if you are kind.

And then secondly, if you are worth these few moments that took to write up this blogpost, the answer to which, I spose, is related to the answer to my biggest wondering.

Goodbye and good luck! Dear God please bless everyone at this table, in this room, on this floor, in this library, in any library studying right now. I know it's silly and naive to think that this small prayer will suddenly make everyone's studyings better or brighter or even cause a little burst of energy or something, but I pray anyway that you touch each person in the way that they need to be touched by you right now, in small and significant ways that are only apparent to you and him and her. Most of all dear God, please help us all survive this exam season more or less unscathed. No. Triumphant. Please, God, use me in ways that make other people's days sparkle a little bit in these sparkle-lacking times. What a blessing it is to study for exams.


Woah you just stood up. You are also quite tall. Quite.

wednesday convictions

To not only read great literature as a "break from other homework"
To not only read great literature and only be "struck by it" "moved by it" even to tears or heart-clutching gasp-y-ness
To not only read great literature and tuck it away on an "I Own These" shelf
To not only read great literature and tuck it away in my pocket, in my little world, just as a part of this "grape semester"

But to pull it out every day and
To use it

• To love,
• To be kind,
• To overcome my own me-ness,

As a tool God gives me 

To change the world.

Spying

on a beautiful moment of koinonia. Real fellowship. Was wondering why these otherwise seemingly-typical, JCrew scarf and pea coat-clad girls with be-Ugged feet and perfectly unperfect curl-ed hairs, seemed somehow so different. So earnest in conversation and dedication to each other, not their cellphones, sharing about Christ-filled revelations, jelly-filled donuts. Just kidding, no donuts. I wasn't planning on spying but when I saw the brown sweater girl pull out her journal and start reading from it to the grey sweater girl, I couldn't help but pause

(which had been repeatingrepeatingrepeatrepeatpepatiepaing like thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis)

and listen. Eyes sparkling, voices trembling, hands waving in excited gesticulation and true connection of love, truth, spirit-filled fellowship. What a blessed moment this is, this moment today in sunny Nau 11/18/11 12:something pm.

It reminds me of my own, so mystifyingly, tear-renderingly (okay no tears, usually, but you know what I mean?) beautiful fellowship moments with my beloved sisters in Christ. And makes me so excited for what lies ahead, what more beauty and tears (of tragedy, of joy) that God has in store for us all.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Love you, love you, love you.

just keep breathing, silly.

The sky keeps holding its breath. Or maybe it is more accurate to say that it keeps making me hold my breath, because it keeps looking like it's gonna snow but it just keeps raining and not snowing. And holding my breath for snow is strangely self-defeating and self-deceptive and self-blinding (errmm self-noseplugging. METADUH) anyways because if I would just give in and take that swoosh of air into my lungs, my nostrils and my nostrils' little hairs and my nostrils' little hairs' sensory things (MMM SCIENCE) would be like oh! hay it doesn't smell like pre-snow atmosphere at all! and let my silly brain know.
But alas.

Only Wednesday and it has already been (half) a week full of breathlessness and "But alas"s.

1. Derek Walcott, lovechild of Yeats and St. Lucia, catches me off guard and leaves me confused because I don't get it but I love it, his poetry.

2. Jonne Dohn, who makes me feel like I'm choking. A terrible kind of breathless.

3. New Cabell trek up to the fifth floor that inspired a moment of community among three strangers this morning at 8:59am, commiserating and urging one another on, onward, onto the next floor! you can do it! - we were a makeshift sports team for those few moments of walking up those steps. Six coordinatedly burning thighs, three pairs of lungs running pitifully out of breath, one collection of random individuals who shared that connection and just as quickly parted ways, wishing each other well for the the rest of our days.

4. This, which I didn't even fully read for class today. which makes my heart beat faster. which was written by a man whose full-time job was in investment banking. which catches my breath, but which inspires me to breathe on.

In other news, I anxiously await Thanksgiving Break.

Heeeheeeehuuuuhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

please play us both at the same time!

"It rains" --yesterdayesterday

Foreword: These revelations are from Wednesday, 11.9.11, but were reborn in the writing of this blogpost during the wee hours of (technically) Thursday, 11.10.11. And I think it is kind of fitting that they are now being presented to the whole wide world on this crazymindexplodinglysignificant day of 11.11.11. If only I had been able to post it at 11:11:11 am. But alas I was sitting in Chinese, blabbering about what color, size, price t-shirt everyone was wearing today, so that I didn't even make a wish. Alas and alack indeed but also, yay for not getting stuck on the logistics - cause let's be real, I make enough 11:11 wishes on normal days to maybe even rival the huge-ness of today's 11:11:11...HAHA okay so even I'm not convinced by that argument but hope you enjoy the post anyways. Sleepyhead grammatical mistakes and all.

It rains. Il pleut. Está lloviendo. Piove.
It rains. It rains. It rains. It rains.

Who rains?

My mind was blown today, of all days, because of ENLT 2523: Lyric Poetry. It's a little bit weird, because we didn't talk about anything that we hadn't talked about before, but all of a sudden today it hit me extra mind-blowingly and then there I was, dumbstruck, gasping for my metaphorical breath, feeling (relatively to other brains,) stupid and a little (relatively to myself of just a few moments before that moment,) smart at the same time. I know. What a paradox. Alas and alack, such is my life as an English major (eep).

Despite the fact that Wednesdays are my infamously worst days (infamously known to...two whole people, me and my last year roommate), also known as "Wilde Wednesdays," combined with 2.4 hours of sleep on Tuesday night, today (Wednesday, 11.09.11, not 11.10.11 as the time stamp will show when I Publish this post) was quite wonderful. I shall summarize it below, but in order to not get completely lost in that, let me finish the whole rainy business first.

So it rains, right? Well sometimes, anyways, and I like when it does, but who the heck is doing all this raining? Who makes it rain? What makes it rain? When makes it rain Where rain How??

Who knows. But the thing is, no one cares. And this is because

the grammar (third person present) gives agency to...an unknown entity. Is this being a benevolent or dastardly being? Will he she or it continue to make it rain or withdraw in cruel drought? Does she he or it care that these watery drops fall on people's heads on their worst days, their best days? Do it he she they have pets or hobbies or achy backs? Will he they it shes ever find love, or write poetry, or survive these next twelve days or Do Great Things? The answer is unknown, because the agent is so utterly unknown. We do not know his (her its their) name or face. We have not met any members of his family, and we do not know his favorite color. A magnificently, mysteriously, movingly monumentalmystery.

It's almost as if we're attributing our own agency to nature. Like oh there simply must be a being out there, brewing and felling this rain, sprinkling it or bucketing it, with concrete hands of five fingers each, connected to wrists, elbows, practical hinges. Something out there, living, probably breathing, separate from the rain, that's making this magical thing happen.

This is called the pathetic fallacy.

Dahh. Even its name is so bleak, you know? It's pathetic (though it probably comes from pathos, feeling). It's a fallacy. But then yeah, even the "pathos" view of it, if anything, makes the "fallacy" even more supremely sad, because  you have put your feelings, your heart into this thing, and still, it has failed. Pathetic Fallacy. It is supremely sad that it's defined this way - the idea that to invoke another being out there in nature is a FALLACY. - You are alone. - And what's more, you are self-centered for even thinking these things, that nature is talking to you, patting your wee head, and eye-caressing you and sending you signs via owls and silences. And that is that! Like zip, nada, nope, case closed, blip blop blooop, cause that is the Definition and that is what all the smart people have decided and studied and hmm-ed and hmmmm-ed over and said. wrote.

And who am I to rub my sleepy eyes and write this feeble, run-on sentenceful blogpost about this Huge, Established thing that Huge and Established People have Hm-ed and Haw-ed over? Hmmm??


I am she. I am the same, identical woman. I am a he she it me they we they she, a she with an undeniable agency. I have a cat named Binky though I am infinitely more of a dog person. I am scared of many things, among which are bunny suits. Spores. (s h u d d e r.) I have two eyes and one mouth and I speak and write too many words and a lot of times I am rather, very, quite, seriously self-conscious of them. I spill over like water and feel bad about not having enough rigid structure to help protect you from the barrage of me. I can tell you about my favorite food and color, and I would like to know what-your-top-three-happiest-things-in-life-are-right-now-please-o-prease.  And sometimes I deteriorate in grammar. &always I am hurtling toward the end of this, my third semester of College and only really every stopping to breathe about every THursday or so. Ah Thursday.

But here I am - at least here I am, a being enough to, "Ah Thursday." To parallel stories of the rain and living out poetry underneath umbrellas and trying hard to find some sort of a perfect balance. An imperfect agent, who realizes the impossibility of the perfect and embraces the imperfect by virtue of its reality and stark, brave face. An agent who

reigns.

She he it reigns. I reigns rain, mainly in the plain Spain! Haha :)

Perfectly, completely, incompletely happy for this tiny domain in which I reside and the emotions and currents that run through it/stay in it and reveling in eye caresses and brainwave synchronizations and things that come in 38s and being concrete and true.

And here is the poem that inspired all this mindexplosion:

The Most of It — by Robert Frost

He thought he kept the universe alone;

For all the voice in answer he could wake

Was but the mocking echo of his own

From some tree–hidden cliff across the lake.

Some morning from the boulder–broken beach

He would cry out on life, that what it wants

Is not its own love back in copy speech,

But counter–love, original response.

And nothing ever came of what he cried

Unless it was the embodiment that crashed

In the cliff's talus on the other side,

And then in the far distant water splashed,

But after a time allowed for it to swim,

Instead of proving human when it neared

And someone else additional to him,

As a great buck it powerfully appeared,

Pushing the crumpled water up ahead,

And landed pouring like a waterfall,

And stumbled through the rocks with horny tread,

And forced the underbrush—and that was all.

"i'm so sleepy" in the 411*

So she was sitting in front of her wheezing whirring laptop, which was working hard even though she was not, and she slow started to lean forward little by little, like so little-y that I didn't even notice until she was almost doubled over, forehead to the keyboard, almost almost. No one said anything but I was kind of worried because I wanted her to be comfortable and to not have an achy back and just sleep more in general because I am not sure if she ever sleeps, this grace. And her laptop, so oblivious to her apparent tiredness, still whirring and wheeeeeze-wheezing away, so inconsiderate, SHH please be quiet!! But you know how semi-old-ish (maybe?) laptops are. They'll be loud if they feel like being loud.

So she was sitting in front of her laptop and dozing a little and I think this is the first time that I've ever seen her so vulnerable. to sleep. and vulnerable just in general, maybe. That's strange and...also not strange at the same time. Gah sorry for saying nothing. But yeah so she is sleepy.

And I loooooooked over and leeeeeaned toward her cause I wasn't sure what I was to do. Shall I wake her from this tortuous state of half-sleep, half-waking? Shall I let her sleep even though it looks so uncomfortable and surely she will acquire a crick in her back (hah a crick in her back) if she stays in this position for a long time? Shall I close her laptop to shut it up from being so freaking loud so she will be that much more (just a leeeettle bit more) comfortable? Shall I call out her name or what? Shall I or shall I not?

I had no idea, so I just stayed leeeeeeeeeaned over and looked at her and kept wondering and then looked over at raney who is working in the room with us. We eye-connected and she smiled a wee smile that told me that this was a normal thing; that everything was and shall be okay. At least in this small moment. This is the life of this apartment here. People sit here and doze in front of their loud laptops and it's no big nothing whoop. And everything is going to be okay. And okay and okay and okay.

It was such a knowing and wee and somehow reassuring smile that it contented my heart and turn to sit to face to look to my own mediumly-loud computer and to open up this Ctrl T, mjl, New Post, and then Publish this fastest blogpost ever ever ever.

And to wonder if you are hating this stream of consciousness-esque-ness-itude-ity.

*quote attribution: some angel of the night

10:22 am October 29th, 2011

It's the second officially cold day of the season
And the snow that was supposed to come is
falling
Over shivery fall leaves,
Sideways on the current of the wind,
Splashing jacketfronts,
As freezy raindrops, breaking in tiny explosions on the topsides of umbrellas.

The last sip of a cold hot chocolate in hand,
I'm walking your way and
You, mine.
I'm rushing just the right amount and
You're leisure-loping
(But we travel toward each other at the same pace; your legs are much longer than mine).

And these moments are cold and dangerous
We calculate, size each other up,
Notice how skinny the sidewalk gets when two of us, and two umbrellas, too, must share it.
Will I step onto the road?
Will you run into the wall?
Or shall we collide -- tangoing missed steps, tangled umbrella spokes -- ?

But time's up for thinking, decision-ing,
Cause you're here and I'm here
The moment is now and somehow,
We share a few seconds of brain wave synchronization:

You'll lift your umbrella arm
While I duck to fit under it,
And it's magic - we're a smidge and little bit,
Two momentary puzzle pieces
Made to fit together at this moment, on this rainy sidewalk, in our umbrella tango.

breath & balance

Today was technicolor leaves and oversaturatedly blue skies.

I was making my favorite walk across grounds after work (slowly across the Lawn on Old Cabell side, skip down the stairs behind Wilson, marvel through the leafy trees-surrounded brick gateway onto the jeffersonparkavenue,walksignisontocross crosswalk, approx. 5 o'clock in the afternoon sun or rain or cloudy weather) and being way too busy to deserve the beauty all around. Though I was finished with classes, with work, my mind was still way too crowded - with things waiting in my backpack to be done, thoughts of dinner to be eaten at what time with whom, lists to make and to be checked off blip blip bloop bah. 

Surrounded by so much beauty; so much wonderful, but "too busy" to pause and soak myself in it in a way it all deserved to be taken in....in. Realized, and actually stopped to think about, how much fewer pictures I've taken this year compared to the amount that I had taken by this time last year (probably. not completely sure). Don't get me wrong - I still have a bZillion and thirty-eight pictures to put up on facebook, but this year I have let myself pass beauty scenes by so many times because I was rushing from one busyness to the next. Just rushing rushing thinking about rushing, being tired from scurrying about everywhere, simply getting from point a to point b waving at people hello hello ah! oh! hi! being caught off guard wishing to stop to capture a scene (in my mind and on my camera) or to give someone a proper smile but not doing so and letting all the soul thoughts spill away and resorting to texting myself gigantic passages that I hope to someday make into blogposts. . .

So I stopped. Noticed an old man (as so often there seems to be in my life) standing in front of Old Cabell and just gazing Lawn-ward. Because it was obvious. Because it was a travesty not to stop and give this beauty some attention. So I stopped, too, and took my walking, moving legs out of my path of travel and stood. Facing the Rotunda and perpendicular to my route, rebelling against the urge of let's go go go hurry up please it's time, etc. hehe

And it was tear-inducing, this beauty. 

...PAHA actually, it wasn't - the leaves were too technicolored and the skies too melodramatically blue. Like OKAY SKY, JUST CALM DOWN YOUR BLUE BRILLIANCE IS MAKING MY EYEBALLS WANT TO THROW UP A LITTLE. Haha! But I did wipe my eyes because there was a small speck irritating the left one and then felt self conscious because I didn't want the people sitting on Old Cabell's steps to think that I was actually moved to tears. Which is silly because:

1. I love crying.

2. It is natural and beautiful to be moved by beautiful things.

3. Probably no one was paying attention to me anyway.

Silly.

Then I took a breath and felt the instinctive urge to check the time. Check my phone. Check my shoelaces. Check something and look busy and purposeful and not all alone. Sigh I didn't even wear shoelacey shoes today. Sigh I don't even care about being alone in public. Sigh when did I get so attached to my cellular, anyway?

But my hands had already lunged into both pockets of my jacket so I had to do something. I mean people were probably watching me, waiting, expecting for something momentous to happen, and I couldn't just let them down, you know. So I gripped both fists - the left clenching my phone and the right clutching my iPod - and almost pulled out the left, but ended up taking out the right. The iPod seemed like the lesser evil or something. Saw that it was some hour, some minute but didn't really care.

Then turned myself 90 degrees and resumed the trek homeward. 

And kept stopping to take pictures of this and that and this again (and these CHRISTMAS BERRIES!) - combined with walking really fast when I wasn't stopped - so that I was passive-aggressively racing this girl who was on the same path. Passing her, letting her pass me, passing her. 

And realized that I must find a balance. I can't just keep stopping in my tracks whenever the mood strikes - that disrupts other people's walks home, other paths of travel, the journey of point a --> point b, which sometimes does indeed trump capturing a beautiful moment. Must find balance. Bal-a-nce. B-alanc-e.

A baal-ance between tackling a formidable pile of homework, getting ready for another Wilde Wednesday (my busiest day of the week) and just stopping to write a blogpost while listening to my mmmmm playlist.

Even though everything is a mess. Because sometimes, just not doing what you "need to be doing" is exactly what you need to do to be able to finish doing what you need to be doing. Ya see what I'm doooing?

tmooth sransition

What a beautiful thing second year is. What a beautiful, overwhelming, incredibly satisfying, unsettling, and calm and insane simultaneous-beginning-and-end! But I guess that's redundant, hmm, "simultaneous beginning and end" because after all, all beginnings are endings of other things and vice versa versa vice.

&What a beautiful thing this summer was. What a wonderful, blessed, lovely, lazy and productive, love-filled, undeserved present for me.

So far, here are my inadequate blabberings about this beautiful thing that is second year:

Second year is meeting up with beloved professors from last year and nervously and awkwardly making conversation because I'm still in awe of how much I admire them. Continuing to sit there though the usual topics of conversation have run out and basking in their wisdom and kindly words and letting all the respect-love-awe ooze out of my silly lopsided smile and knowing that they can totes tell that I'm enamored of them but not caring. Unnecessarily but gratefully borrowing umbrellas from them in face of hurricane scares. Finally walking out of the office and returning home on bouncy, dreamy, floaty feet.

Second year is knowing - and taking a ridiculous amount of pride in the fact that - I'm not so lost anymore. Geographically, directionally, academically, interpersonally, spiritually, extra-curricularly, everything-ly, feeling infinitely more sure of myself than just one year ago. Confidently navigating through the Activities Fair and only looking at stuff I actively want to look at; knowing the difference between stuff I actively want to look at and the stuff I know I don't have to worry about, "just in case". Not feeling a pang of shame whenever I recite my list of classes to answer the question, "what are you taking this semester?! :D?" to well-meaning people who didn't mean to, but really used to, make me feel so direction-less and pointless by their questions that reminded me what ridiculous range of classes I was taking. Bouncing on the balls of my feet with my backpack straps confidently clutched in my left and right hands and strutting (in my own small way) all around grounds, except NOT really because...almost all of my classes exist in New Cabell. AHAhahah.

Second year is, after all that "I'm not so lost anymore ohohohoho" business, in real life application: changing my intended major(s) EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Calling people late at night, panicking about this silly thing I haven't even declared yet. And, whenever people ask what my major is, having to preface my answer with the warning: "Well, todayyy..."

Second year is being frantic to "catch up soon" and "eat a meal with" and "seriously taaaaalk!" with you, and you, and you, and you, and the rest of the whole wide world. But sincerely. Sincerely being excited about seeing how the summer has changed you, and to tell you how this summer has changed me. Sincerely being interested in what you have to tell me, and sincerely desiring to eat said meal at O'Hill for old times' sake.

Second year is, speaking of which, never eating at a dining hall. Not cause I don't want to but cause there doesn't seem to be any time or excuse to. Being a little bit sad, but mostly mystified by this dramatic change from the year before. Being bad at eating adequate meals, but also not wanting to eat so much junk food, which is kind of funny and refreshing. Oh, and also: FOOD TRUCKS and BUBBLE TEA :o

Second year is taking too many credits again but having huge, grateful confidence in the fact that though I am weak and fall-asleepy-in-class all the time and absolutely unable to survive this semester on my own, He is "faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it" and that "I can do all this through him who gives me strength" and of course, even in my inadequacies and "weakness" his power is made completely perfect.

Second year is falling in love with GCF Class of 2014, ahh so much inexplicable love for these lovelovelovely people. Being so thankful that we are together and bonded as this special group that so often puts the Grace(Christian Fellowship) in my life. Appreciating the fact that we, as a whole entity, are people who own cars on grounds now, people who give others rides, people who are in charge of knowing directions to get to downtown and of transporting younger people to Sweetfrog without getting pulled over by the police or anything like that.

Second year is going from Chinese Corner at 6pm, coming to appreciate the subtle sounds of this language that I always thought was so un-beautiful and eating some shrimp dish that made my mouth all spicy, and then hopping over to the Italian Corner at 8pm, listening to poetry about the sea and writing...haikus in Italian, wishing the inspirazione would strike in just 2 minutes. Feeling wonderfully confused and mashed-up, squished in and navigating between the thin membranes that separate these vastly different but wonderfully similar worlds of languages. Baffling the kids on the Arabic floor with my knowledge of: this. Heehe.he.

Second year is no longer being a first year and surprisingly self by truly loving and reveling in that small and really natural and unsurprising fact. It uuuuusually goes like this, you know? 1st year, 2nd year, etc. But being just so surprised/delighted at it. Feeling for the first years who must be feeling the same feelings I was feeling last year, in their shoes - a little lonely, a lot overwhelmed, a medium amount of lost. Praying for them and making wishes for them and doling out hugs whenever shyness can be overcome. Being extra-calm and hopefully calm-ing when I converse with them, so they won't feel overwhelmed cause I seem like I know what I'm doing or something, and so they know they're not alone in this disorienting experience, and so they don't feel like they have to try so hard to make this conversation pop and happen and to be happy to meet me and shake my hand and be all, hi, my name is Madison nice to meet you! kinda stuff.

Second year is reconnecting with people with whom I share brainwaves, and those with whom I share heartbeat rhythms - the "you're good for me" people. Deciding things and making school-year goals and creating special lingo and having full-circle conversations and deciding to become detail friends and being unabashedly needy at times. And being sad about the fact that I'm being needy, but also happy about it cause that must mean we're truly truly true friends; that I feel all comfortable being neeeeedy with you.

Second year is weaving together the loose strings of new, loosey scraps I learned about myself over the summer and through beginning-of-the-year soul-clarifying conversations. Finding people who leave me hanging during our gchat conversations and happily finding that these alone-in-the-conversation moments are precious seconds in which I talk to - and kind of find - myself. Being surprised by reading back on self-conversations like this:

me:  at first i was really disappointed cause i realized that its not gonna be that strict. i would probably benefit more, language-wise, from being in either the french or the spanish house, but thepeople seem cool and it's nice and new and air conditioned and in a good location and all these other good things so its okayi keep being sad that im not living with people i already love and am comfortable with, at like crossroads or cc or somethingbut i know i'll come to appreciate this. Sent at 7:36 PM on Sunday me:  it's just beginning-of-new-things pains

Second year is finding people who intrigue me and make me want to know them and their old cars more and better and feeling unnecessarily hurt and indignant when they don't text me back appropriately. Being reminded that I'm still an immature little person. Reveling in that, too.

Second year is overcoming extreme packrattyness as well as the overwhelming first year desire to KNOW ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON and removing self from unnecessary listservs whose emails I always just skimmed through anyways. Receiving those confirmation emails about being removed from said spam lists and not feeling nostalgic or panicky about all those future emails I shall miss out on and being inspired to start a blog post, past 12am, on the night before the first Chinese quiz for which very little studying has been done so far, while my roommate laughs at the fact that I'm not "writing a paper...I'm blogging!!" while my blog music flows into my ears and nurtures my sleepy brain and feeling self-conscious about the fact that even though I didn't actually make this a bullet point list, that's basically what it is ("Have I lost the ability to write in paragraphs?"). Not actually writing the blogpost that I had planned. One for which the current title would've been completely relevant and appropriate. One bridging wonderful summer and wonderful beginning of school while summing up both wonderful things cleverly and nicely and memory-good-yay-ly, but not even going back to change the beginning now cause I'm so tired and it's time to sleep, Iwillwakeupearlytomorrowtostudyforthisquiz. Painfully, delightedly realizing that some things really have not changed at all since one year ago.

painting a house, finding a family

This is officially day 3 of Lee Family Project: Paint the Whole House Some Shade of Yellow, and I've managed to escape the madness...for a few hours. So here I am, documenting. Let's see if I can pump this post out in 20 minutes. Wouldn't normally do this, but seriously, when I go back home, there will be no time for computer silliness, or any other kind of silliness except for paint, duct tape, and preventing Binky from making too big of a mess with his foot, er...paw prints. It has been crazy and tiring and enlightening, this house-painting experience, and I'm realizing than I'm finding out so much about my family (and relationships and marriages and families in general) through it all. Bullet points GO GO GO!!

• My dad is like obsessed with me. Like, he likes me a LOT, thinks I'm like the best apple ever. Don't really get it, cause I'm really not that great and - perhaps a more fair judge of the situation - the other parent doesn't seem that enthralled with me at all. When I was helping paint the near-ceiling edges of my room, Papa Lee offered his hand to steady me on that high, teetery stool I was standing on and when I accepted, he was so happy. Kept insisting for the rest of the evening that I hold his hand. "See how helpful it is, to hold my hand?" "Good thing you're holding my hand, or else you'd be falling!" "Okay okay now hold my hand" etc etc etcccc
• Painting is kinda like working on a marriage. Easy breezy when you're working on a simple, four-sided room with no crown molding, but pretty rocky when you have to work together in a kitchen with endless corners and crannies and edges and CABINETS. You have to work harder to communicate, to overcome frustration, to tape more edges, and inevitably, to clean up more messes that are going to be made. So painting is kinda like a marriage...and like any other kind of relationship in which you may face trials and tribulations. Okay so that was a really bad, overly-general metaphor, but what can I say, I've got painting on my mind. 
• Peacemaking: I've been realizing a bit of this all throughout this summer, but it's really clear now. My mom and dad communicate and express themselves so differently and this sometimes causes communication issues. What my dad says in order to re-organize the situation and reassure all participants, my mom finds repetitive and unnecessary, and therefore annoying. Sometimes it's like a train...no, car, collision just waiting to happen and I can see it and RUN in the middle to stop them both from completely collisioning. Reassure dad that what he just said makes sense and is good; distract mom with something new and more problematic or more useful so she doesn't get upset about the repetition. Kinda worried about what will happen when they decide to take up the next big collaboration challenge and I'm not there. Need tons of prayer.
• In painting and in relationships, you have to be willing to get dirty and all paint-covered if there is work to be done. Don't worry about it. Everyone else is getting paint all up in thur hurrs and hands and noses, too, and look at what a beautiful thing you're creating on all the walls. There's always a shower to be taken upstairs. Unless the bathroom's being painted too, in which case...that was just bad planning, and now it's a lesson learned! :D!!
• Cooperation is KEY. Sometimes you get tired, and ask the other person with the roller to meet you in the middle (or maybe more like 25:75...usually dad, cause he likes you the best HEEhe), and then you'll finish the whole wall, something you never imagined possible!! And then you can stand back with your knuckles on your hips diva-style and say "MAHAHA I HAVE PAINTED A WHOLE WALL!! with dad's help"
• Sometimes you just have to use your pinky finger to fudge some of the corners cause NO BRUSH OR ROLLER WILL REACH THAT TINY NOOK. Like relationship and families, no paint job (no...anything, for that matter) is perfect. Don't get too upset about it because I saw Mama Lee doing it, too.

OKAY THAT IS ALL FOR NOW. MUST RUN. PICK UP CHIPOTLE FOR DINNER (THIRD CARRY OUT DINNER IN A ROW!!) AND RETURN TO THE WORLD OF YELLOW SHADES OF PAINT!!

More to be added, as more is learned, realized, painted :)

observations from lindt

Transcribed straight from one, two, three, four, and a half yellow sticky notes of thoughts scribbled down from Lindt, at Barracks. 

"6/18/11

• Old people like peanut butter.
• The Black Currant Excellence bar is surprisingly tasty. So fragrant and delicious.
• I'm not such a good salesperson here because I feel like I'm making - tricking - people (to) spend money on something they really don't need, but I'm getting over it. Lots of people come in here for gifts and w/ an actual purpose of buying chocolate, believe it or not.
• Some people refuse free samples.
  ...yeah I don't get it.
• I like leisurely chocolate buyers - the ones that want to talk, discuss, hmm and hmmm over chocs...
• I enjoy working by myself but these times are also the most dangerous. The sample bucket calls my name. . . .
• I like the music here - it's surprisingly not repetitive, or maybe I just don't mind the repetition so much. Hah It's music that's pleasant if you listen or don't listen. It skips along and around, but not uncomfortably or intrusively. You can listen to it, or not, and it doesn't really mind either way.
• The magic apron hides all - lots of people comment on how skinny I am, [a] surprising [fact to them,] when compared to the relative proximity/quantity of such delicious chocolate. Little do they know...
• Opening is not so scary
  every day is a little less frightening
  and Sue is wonderful
• My co-workers are great. esp. Sue!
• My favorite truffle is coffee. It is a "limited edition" flavor; apparently they're just trying it out but I really hope they keep it.
• Sue loves to tidy & clean. Maybe not necessarily the actions, but she takes ownership and responsibility [of keeping things neat and stuff].
• Sam is a chocolate expert and a Lindt expert and getting people to buy more than they intended expert. It's admirable in kind of a scary way.
• There is an ever existent clash of my identities as a salesperson & a consumer.
• there is something adorable about the way chocolate bunnies hollowly clinkety clack against each other when you rustle them while organizing. I know it's just the same chocolate, formed into the mold of a bunny shape but whoever thought of these is a genius. They're just so appealing. Hahaha"

"7/31?

• "so long" man [This one man said goodbye to me with a very cool, very casual "So long," after I handed him his bag full of classy and refined chocolates. Without a hint of irony. Was caught off guard by the outdated language and unironically suave manner. It hit me, at that moment, that this man was the epitome of what all hipsters are trying to emulate. Cool guy.]"

"8/3/11

• :9 lady [Just yesterday, one lady literally made the colon-nine slurpy yumyum face when I told her to "Enjoy your chocolates! :) " It looked exactly like the emoticon in a non-creepy, cute kind of a way. She was a little bit rotund like a teapot and had short gray hair and soft-looking skin.
• White man reeking of Indian food [walked into the store and proceeded to talk forever about everything.] Everything he owned (like his cooler, to carry the chocolates in), handed to me (like the 1 dollar bills and 5 dollar bills), touched (Fill-Your-Own truffles, $7.50/lb.) smelled of the Milan lunch buffet. Strangely appetizing and gross at the same time. "

More updates to come :)

TUBA

10 days in Tuba City,

1 week to process & finish journalings,

3 days of writing/sending thank you letters to supporters,

7.5 days to accomplish snail mail goals...

which still leaves like an entire week til now, and soooo many different excuses for why this post has been so slow in coming. Sorry if you were waiting, sorry if you weren't waiting, sorry that this post is so long and rambly and not very good at conveying all the AMAZING that this trip really was. Pleeeeeeease talk to me in person if you want to hear more and/or are confused by anything in my inadequate writing!!

Some background information: I went on a mission trip this summer! From June 24th to July 3rd, to Tuba City, AZ. Tuba City is the biggest and "nicest" city in Navajo Nation, the Native American reservation located in Arizona. It is hot, dry, and dusty. It is full of red rocks, night skies full of stars, and a surprising number of fast food places. The kids here hang out at a skate park, and there is a grocery store (Basha's) whose name some members of our team still do not know how to pronounce (BAshee's? BAW SHAW's???).

We spent a lot of our short ten days traveling to and from Tuba, but for a few days in between all the traveling days, 110+ people from all over the country (Chicago, California, Maryland, Virginia) collaborated to put together a Vacation Bible School for the kids, a Teen Week Program for the youth, an Adult Bible Program, and an Outreach Ministry for the community at large. I know it was an amazing experience for our team as a whole, as well as many people of Tuba City.

But here are the Madison-specific moments that were momentous during my time in Tuba City and some before and some afterwards - I know...so self-centered. Gah can't help it. But! :) again, please please talk to me if you want to know more! Someone asking me, "how was it?" about this trip caught herself, saying "what a simple question to an answer that could probably fill a book, right?" At the time, I didn't think it was true - how could I ever have so much to say about any one thing? - but writing thank you letters, other letters, journal entries...I'm finding that she really was right. My heart overflows with things to share, and this blog post is so insufficient. The following bullet points will probably not be in any sort of order (except maaaaybe chronological), and may be edited in the next few days as I remember more to write, and may not even make sense, and will probably make the scrollbar on the right side of the screen reeeally teeny.

Madison's Momentous Moments, Tuba City edition (each shall start with a quote from my TC journal entries! Privileged preview :o !! Haha not reeeally... But these will reveal moments of insecurity and honesty, I hope):

• "I feel so unprepared for this trip - I feel like we haven't bonded enough, we haven't gotten all the events together, we haven't...ahh I dunno (Friday June 24th 3:01pm)"
• This was before officially leaving for the trip. Was so full of doubts in preparing for, and even during, the whole thing. Constantly felt inadequate and self-conscious about our (lack of) preparations, and my own unpreparedness, lack of prayer, etc. But seriously, God redeemed everything good and everything that lacked. What a foolish little person I was to think that any of this was about me at all!! And with that, I'll share my personal anthem verse for this trip: "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9 AH what a wonderful God.
• "...to not come back until we've shared all our love with the kids... (Friday June 24th 6:10pm)"
• On the flight out to Arizona, I got to sit next to Jinnamin, whose dream is much more admirable and lovely and humbling than anything I could think of (ask her about it! hehe). Anyways, right after she turned her phone off for the plane's take-off, she showed me this text from Sunny who said (something along the lines of), "don't come back until you've given the kids all your love!" Immediately I felt so at peace and convicted to simply...LOVE, as Jesus has loved me. I quietly promised myself at that moment to truly remember this conviction every moment of the trip. God used this little promise in tremendous ways - allowing me to just channel His great love for His beloved children! It was amazing, what I felt for these kids I only knew for a few days. So not from me - I'm way too selfish - it was all from God, this love.
• "It's hugely spacious and open land, but..(Saturday June 25th 3:56pm or something like that)"
• ...for some reason, I kept feeling so unopen, unclear. Does that make sense? Like, the opposite of open. Blocked up? I dunno. But every time we drove out in our huge white vans into the huge red desert and every time I looked out at the open land, my chest would feel all squeezy and claustrophobic inside. I came to associate all the openness with barrenness and dryness, instead of the beauty that I could have seen. Not really sure why. I just kept feeling so parched, and wanting more of God's presence in Tuba City. Maybe it was God placing more prayers in my heart. It worked.
• "...because they are lovely and loveable... I want to love more. That shall be the theme of this mission trip. Love More. (Saturday June 25th 11:44pm)"
• More about this love thang. This particular love burst was about my fellow mission team members. I just kept seeing so many lovely sides of these people I was serving with and couldn't help but love them and want to get to know them more. It was truly amazing, what God allowed me to see and feel, once I stepped back from my own judge-y nature just a little bit. Amazing. I truly love my TC team.
• "...I am proud to proclaim to you, O Diarye, that we are facebook friends (28th of June 11something PM Greyhills Hotel)."
• HAHA more love! This is about a particular person, obvi, and just how much I love and admire her, even though I don't know her very well. So proud to be fb friends with her. This passage in general was very blabbery cause I was really tired, but it was basically a bullet point list of everyone I was in love with on our team heehe.
• "Bucket List check! train count: 113 Flagstaff, AZ TUbaCity Mission Trip (6/29/11)"
• Okay so on Wednesday, the Teen Program took a field trip to Flagstaff, Arizona - about an hour away from Tuba. We split up into different teams and engaged in some friendly competition via a photo/video scavenger hunt all over the downtown area, which was cute and surprisingly easy to navigate. I was really scared that I would lose people and it was weird to be in a position of leadership over these kids cause I...SUCK at being directionally oriented, but it was okay and I didn't lose any of my girls AND we came in third place! :)
• "I am not really sure what to feel right now. I am a little bit upset that my hands smell like dirt (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm)"
• This is just a teeny thing, but still kind of a significant olfactory memory...haha. The soap in the girls' bathroom (out of the dispenser stuck on the wall) always made my hands smell like dirt. 
• "I wish to speak to him more and I pray that God softens his heart (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm)."
• About one of the teens I met - I love and worry over and care for him a lot. He was one of the teens who were "delivered" from demons by Pastor Joshua, and I am superbly happy to say that he is so completely changed since we left Tuba City. It's really amazing what God can do in someone's life - these are such cliche words and I lament the fact that the clichedness takes away from their power, but cliches are cliches for a reason, right? Was so blessed to have witnessed his transformation, and just to be a part of his life. He is mature beyond his years and amazes me on a regular basis. I just want to continue to show him love and let him know that he is so special to me. I know God is going to do powerful things through this guy. Lucky, lucky boy.
• "Missing-toenail-water-drinker and her little brother (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm)."
•  There is a skate park in Tuba City where the locals go to hang out. We did "park ministry" there, basically reaching out and letting people know about the VBS, Teen Program, and Adult Bible Study that was going on for the week. I met these two tiny kids who kept trying to reach the water fountain - a little girl and her little brother. She had a slight toenail injury and it was all dangly, but at first she kept insisting that it was okay and that I shouldn't look at it. But by the end of the evening she trusted me enough to ask me if I had a nail clipper or something. I somehow found one for her and clipped it as best as I could. This evening was full of moments of doubt - kept thinking, 'should I have done VBS? It's so easy to love these kids and they clearly need so much love... Am I doing what God called me to do, truly?' Ah so many doubts, but in the end I am so glad I was a part of the teen ministry. Praise God for doubts pondered and doubts redeemed!! I hope toenail girl and little bro are okay. Getting enough water and all. Ah.
• "Youth kids can provide you with love bracelets, too (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm)."
•  Another small silly sadness I had about not doing VBS was the fact that there would be no tiny tokens of tangible love I would be able to take back home (or so I thought), since we wouldn't really be doing crafts in the Teen Program. It's not the actual little bracelets and stuff I'd miss, obviously, but the gesture of giving, I guess. Somehow a gift, whatever it happens to be, just seems so much more special when it comes from a baby. Maybe because they really don't have much to give, but they put that effort into creating the little craft and then they just GIVE it to you. Hahaha I don't know. But anyways, I was wrong about this too. Total love loot from my TEENs: 1 sillyband, 2 plastic bracelets (1 right off of her wrist, another the next day, from her house), a little evangelism booklet ("To. Madison, I hope you like this book because it tells you how people believe in God."), a marker picture of two cute, small creatures saying "THank you :)", 1 friendship handshake. I am so rich with love.
• "All the addresses so far have been P.O. Boxes (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm)."
• Decided to ask for some of the kids' addresses so I can further embark on my bucket list checklist of "developing a meaningful snail mail correspondence." Everyone wrote out their addresses in a different order of things (first the PO box number, then the zip code, then the city, then state...? wait wait city first? wait...) so I was kinda confused at first, but the letters seemed to have gotten their all right. Whew.
• "...so faithful in the smallest to medium to the biggest things...how can I keep from shouting your name (Friday, July 1st 12:50am nighttime journaling sesh)."
• Just in awe of God's faithfulness! He literally answered e v e r y prayer: for love, to let us see GREAT things, for tangibility, for closure, and for thirsts quenched, literally and figuratively. Totes should've asked for a unicorn... HAha just kidding. God is not a magicbox. One of the most amazing ways that God answered my personal prayer was through my small group - a group of 3 girls that I fell in immediate sync and love with, from the first day. There was a lot of angst on my part, though, because I felt like I wasn't connecting with them on a "deeeper" level, especially during our discussions. On the last day of small group time, I had prayed beforehand, "God PLEASE let them open up to me PLEASE PLEASE change MY heart if it's not your will to show me tangible things PLEAASE AH," but was disappointed to see that they were just as nonchalantly unresponsive as the days before. So I gave up on them. I KNOW! SO BAD! I just got frustrated and curtly told them that if they didn't have anything more to say, we can just close up (this was like 5 minutes into small group time, which was supposed to last...longer than that), and I walked out. I WALKED OUT. What a disobedient and impatient little brat. But then, praying by myself, I knew that I had to go back. So, biting back my stupid pride and whatever else was in the way, I went back to the room and was surprised to see the girls still sitting there. I apologized and asked if we could talk some more, since it was our last meeting time. I shared a bit about the silly things that plague the daily life of little Madison Lee (feeling so insignificant and bratty, comparing my luxurious worries to what these kids go through), and amazingly, each person opened up in an amazing and personal way. I won't share details here because I want to protect these bared souls, but...yeah. God is amazing. Even when I gave so feebly and small-ly He used that.
• "Hey! ...You changed my life! (Saturday July 2nd early morning journaling...catching up ...7:30ish)"
•  Documenting a piece of dialogue. The last conversation I had with one of the kids. That's it. haha
• "You are loved! (Friday, July 1st)"
• I had wanted to write a little note to each person I had gotten close to in the Teen Program, but -__- fell asleep the night before and didn't have a chance to. But, still wanting to give the kids a little something, I condensed all the feelings and thoughts I had for them into one slip of 3x1 paper ripped out of my journal and...that was this. A leeeetle note saying "You are loved! -Madison"
• "It's all hot" 
• One tiny sentence that led to a special afternoon of spending time together, playing the piano and talking about nothing much. After our afternoon activity one day, some of the leaders took the kids down to Sonic, but one of the teens wanted to stay behind at the church because it was "all hot" and stuff and she didn't feel like walking. I stayed behind with her. Was surprised and grateful and humbled that she opened up to me that afternoon. Ah so much prayer needed for her.
• "Ephesians 6, Romans 6 (I read this), James 4 (Thursday July 7th 9:08 am @ Wilsdorf/Chem lib)"
• Remembering what happened Thursday night, after the Youth Rally. This whole "deliverance" business was a lot more straightforward than I expected. But then again...I guess I didn't really have any expectations or knowledge of how it would be. Ask me about this in person.
• "...and sat on ledges and wished that I had my phone with me so I could call someone from up there and say, "I'm calling you from the top of the world!" (Sunday July 10th 4:29pm @ Greenberry's)"
• Remembering a grand, thought-ful moment on Saturday, when we went hiking in Sedona. John and Lana are a couple there, ministering to a college fellowship called One Tribe (at NAU). John gave his testimony which was...so powerful in like, a really caaalm way haha. Hard to explain. It just made me think a lot about the future, God's plans, etc. Need to think and pray more about this, so check up on me later :)
• "so easy breezy (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm Greyhills Hotel)"
• ...was my trip compared to the missionaries' lives - Peter and Joann, John and Lana, and soon Bob and Angela and all their families, too. One thing that consistently made me tear up was praying for these people who were so obedient to God's call and were serving Him FOR REAL, with all their lives, in this desert place. I just found it so heartbreaking and heartwarming and...really convicting, I guess, how these missionaries simply laid down their own lives and pursued after what God called them to do. So amazing. So admirable to me.

 There are so many more bullet points to be explained, so many quotes to be explored, but...this entry is already so long. I'll stop here with

"...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9

and thanksgiving and praise to the amazing Creator who loves beyond all human feeling, who exceeds all human understanding, who pours out rain in the desert, who cares for the smallest and the weakest and those that absolutely cannot finish even teeny things like blog posts, without His grace.

P.S.
links to pictures:
TubaCity pt.1
TubaCity pt.2
though you probably have to be a friend of a friend of mine at least, to see them

infinitely proportional

I drove up to Northern Virginia (fondly known as "NOVA" to Virginians) this weekend, all by myself. It's really not that long or arduous of a trip - just 1.5 to 2 hours, literally straight down one road all the way from Charlottesville to the destination. But it just felt like (and honestly really was) a humongo deal to me, cause it was the first time I had driven anywhere "long distance" and that "foreign" by myself, aaaaaaand cause I have this tendency to fall asleep whenever I happen to be in a car for more than like 31 minutes. Even if I'm driving :(. It was scary and adventurous, and I kept stalling my leave, checking over and over if I forgot to pack anything (even though it was only gonna be a one-night stay) and asking my mom if she thought I had enough underwears (a common theme in my pre-traveling worries) and reading again and again my ghetto little mapquest printouts ("Continue to follow US-29N for....76.9 miles." Basically the entire trip) because we do not have a GPS. But finally, I left. Left the garage, left my street, left my neighborhood, left Charlottesville.

At first it was really scary and I felt so unskillful and green and tenderfooted (hah! cute, thesaurus.com), even just driving down the section of US-29 that I know well. Especially cause I got it into my head that the experience needed to be documented and began taking video footage of everything remotely significant and also painfully insignificant ("nowwww it's been 4.8 miles!" "nowww it's been 11.9 miles!" "hey, madison county! that's me!" "first official CD change!" etc.). All while driving. I know - so dangerous and reckless. I'm sorry :'(

But after 79.90 total miles, "1 hour and 35 minutes," one screaming ambulance passing by, and one wrong turn/subsequent u-turn later, I was there. And then I made another video celebrating that.

whatta n00b

In nova! All by self! Via automobile! Driven by self! Safe and sound! In short, a small miracle. Especially considering all the videotaping that was going on simultaneously to the driving and combined with the madison lee klutzy factor. Wow.

It was a wonderful weekend - full of unexpected kimchi-making, mission trip meeting-attending, pho and jajangmyun-eating, late night confessions-confessing, anddddd more. driving. around. nova. by. self. I kept having to convince myself that a bjillion people drive around nova ALL the time - it was just another place where people lived and drove around, just the way I drive around Charlottesville all the time. Haha but ultimately I got everywhere safely and even made a spontaneous stop in Centerville (Centreville?) WITHOUT any pre-mapquested guidance (I followed someone else's car HAH) and only got a smallll tiny bit lost on my way back home. Bubble tea in hand and looking down the row of traffic along a now-familiar road that is 29N, I was triumphant.

Hahaha juuuuuuust joshin' - no triumphant feelings, just gratefulness. Because honestly who am I kidding? I probably did everything wrong to stay safe on those formidable roads of nova. Video-ing, talking to self, thinking about things other than driving (like vlogging)...but because God is great and all-powerful and a loving Protector, of silly little me, even, I went to nova and drove around a bit and came all the way back home. Safely. Re-re-re-realizing how scary of a feat that really is for clumsy me, but how nbd it would seem to upperclassmen (and other more adult people) who drive back and forth between here and nova all the time it occurred to me that as we get older, the adventures we face get scarier and scarier. And that God's grace and love and protection grows greater and greater to cover all our inadequacies and all the extra scariness of the new adventures.

The greater the trial, the greater the blessing.

how infinitely proportional, this love!

And what shall we fear when there is such powerful love protecting and guiding and urging us on, to the next and next and next next adventure. Ahh I am such an unnecessarily-scaredy cat sometimes.

• David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished. -1 Chronicles 28:20

• Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. -Deuteronomy 31:6

• The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? -Psalm 27:1

• So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

• For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. -Isaiah 41:13

Okay confession: I just googled "bible verse what shall i fear" haha..but all these verses are so good and true.

 So, in conclusion -

 adventure is out there!

&

to infinity and beyond!

la famiglia italiana

This summer is honing me into a champion channel-surfer. Honestly, I am very impressed by the combination of the nimble agility of my remote-button-pressing fingers with the lethargy of the rest of my body. As I sit, a puddle of slumpy posture and comatose laziness, my fingertips dart across the tiny stadium that is the surface of the button board of our small black remote control for the downstairs TV (I mostly watch TV downstairs because that one has one extra channel). It's amazing, the activity level of my fingers compared to the rest of me. Even my brain is resting and my heart is probably beating slower, and my eyes, blleeeeghhhhhh-ly half-opened, don't even  have to be looking down at the remote. The fingers have memorized every plushy button, every crook and nanny, every small indentation of this magical little box that controls the bigger magical box.

..................

Okay seriously, why do I never write about what I'm really blogging to write about in the first paragraph? What is wrong with me? I wanted to write about Italian families and Korean families. Hing.

"joy! there is joy in the physics library" & "the empire of clemons is in decline..."

I've been making good use of my pockets lately - they are turning out to be super handy hand-keepers (heehe) whenever I stroll up and down picturesque aisles of books about chemistry and physics things I don't understand (The Physics of Inorganic Chemistry and Supersymmetric Gauge Field Theory and String Theory and AHH). I'm working at the Chemistry and Physics Libraries this summer, for UVA. It is a bit of an outdated thing, I know - this whole searching for books at the library and actually using them as resources business - but to my quiet delight, I have found that people actually do use these books. They look up call numbers and browse the tall stacks and pull out these intimidating titles from their cozy little bookspaces among their brethren and open them and ask them for information - to avert Chemistry crises and Physics fixes.

The library, for these (mostly) graduate students and faculty members, is more than just a place that provides an excuse to get together and "study" (especially during the summer). They are immersed in their work here, truly - writing theses and looking up other people's theses and studying for MCATs and running their hands over the bindings of colorful reference books not just to look/feel picturesque

that's me!

but actually ending up at the one special book that holds the secret end to their mini search. The index finger stops its journey along: first, the rows of books, then the rows of fine print, then there is the nod. Then, a satisfactory grin (optional) and a return to the table to resume studies and researchings and more nodding and looking and reading and studying. They open up these books and glean information, asking the fine print to surrender some bit of obscure clarity - with words that are total blabber to me, but gigantic, shiny "AH hAH" moment for these thinkers of science. And...okay it's creepy that I watch, I guess, but this whole endeavor still kind of a novelty for me and it makes me happy to see these ridiculous books fulfilling their purpose.

Life at the library behind the mysterious "Library Staff" desk entails more than creepily watching people find books, though (or noting how many times they get up to refill their water bottles...this guy has refilled his 1029013892 mL water bottle like 3 times within the past 1.5 hours!!). Here are some ultra-exclusive insights to the (not-so-)secret life of a librarian, just for you, dear reader:

1. There's a large, gray box that comes to the library from the outside world, once each day, holding books and journals and things returning home or being delivered to the Department that all need to be discharged, sorted, and shelved or delivered to faculty mailboxes. On the crazy days, it is teeming (~6 books), and on slow days it is practically empty. It all depends, really, and every opening of the box is an exciting event - like a plasticky box of papery chocolates. Okay not really but still exciting!
2. We also send out his twin - a different large, gray box - filled with books and articles to be sent to other libraries and departments once every day. A delivery man named Sam (HE'S HERE RIGHT NOW!) comes and delivers/picks up our "gray trays" - he is our man with the dolly. He has a lot of tattoos and always asks how we're doing.
3. Sometimes there are new editions of journals that come in, asking to be cataloged and added to the collection. This is exciting because it's like initiating a baby into the family. I sticker him and enter him into The System (dun dun dun), and shelve him in his own little place, right next to his kind. Very cute.
4. Once in a while, the phone rings and I have to collect myself before answering. It's usually not a big deal, just "Hello, Chemistry/Physics Library" is enough, but I always have a mini freak out because picking up the phone is kind of nerve wracking! What if they ask me something I don't know? What if I'm alone and can't ask anyone for help? What if I STUTTER. All these questions are silly because I know what to do in each situation (ask supervisor, take down name and email and forward to supervisor, laugh at self and try again), but I guess it doesn't help that I don't get to practice much since phone calls are not that frequent.
5. For the copy machines, we get the ultimate privilege of using this magical swipey card with a maximum limit of 10,000 copies per swipe. I know, it's thrilling. But the copies are for faculty members requesting articles and stuff. No butt-copying or any monkey business like that here!!
6. Not a part of the standard librarianship of the Physics Library, but on certain special days I also water the plants. HEEHEEHeH :)
7. Actually, there are TONS of useful resources that are probably very underused - through the library website and stuff; basically the things that our high school librarians made presentations on that I never really paid attention to (database searches and stuff, you know). I'm very enthused about it, so ask me if you EVER need help finding specialized articles or resources for research papers blahblah.

Anyways, so far I love my summer jobs - which isn't saying much, I spose, since I'm sitting here updating you, little blog. Title credits to Vicky, my supervisor in Physics, and Cheryl, in Chemistry. Real life quotes, respectively. hahaha

the longest eyebrow hairs in the world

Standing in front of me this very moment is the owner of the longest eyebrow hairs in the entire world. His facial hairs are confusing - no excessive beard hairs or nose hairs or even ear hair tufts poking out like you often see in old men's ears...but the eyebrow hairs are so long and...bounteous (thanks, thesaurus.com!). Yes, bounteous. Plentiful and abundant and fertile, flush, generous. Prolific and replete. Swiiiiimming. Teeeeeeming.

He owns a head full of white hair - with a (somehow) not-unpleasantly-receding hairline - and kind eyes and smile wrinkles. He is clean-shaven, appropriately-dressed in a not-overly-fancy-but-well-put-together in a science professor kind of way. He is articulate as he formulates his complicated questions about bibliographic searches one can conduct in the library system, but I hear nothing as Cheryl, master librarian of the Chemistry Library and my supervisor, has taken over and I sit back - pretending to be attentive to their conversation like a good trainee, but in truth only watching his eyebrow hairs move up and down with the rest of his expression like small insects with lots of long, wiry legs. Or two teeny claws extending their long nails in a friendly hello.

They are not unpleasant, these extremely long eyebrow hairs. They add to his conversation, like a small, politely enthusiastic third party chiming in its agreement or confusion, whatever the situation calls for. They are like his own small cheerleaders - approving and punctuating and ever enthusiastic.

I wonder if they provide his eyes with extra shade. I wonder if they get in the way when he runs a tired hand over his face on an especially stressful days. I wonder if he likes them, or if he minds them, or if he has tried to battle them before in his youth but has come to accept them now. I wonder if they have grown longer in his older age, cause I know that happens with old men and their ear hairs. I wonder if they make his brow any heavier than mine. I wonder if he has developed extra muscle - however minuscule - in his forehead from carrying the weight of these extra-long hairs around. I wonder what kind of provisions and blessings God has given this man through these extraordinary eyebrow hairs. I wonder.

I hope he visits again soon.

he wasn't like this.

"one groweth"

Okay first things first, the title is supposed to be "one grows" except in olde Englysh (haha not really) - that's why it's one groweth, cause it's like "He drinketh some coffee...eth." Okay fine really not really; actually Old English is like a completely different language it's pretty crazy.

And second things second, I really have to preface this with a "WHAT?! WHERE DID FIRST YEAR GO? HOW DID THIS HAPPENNN!!!??!" I know everyone is saying that around here, just about their respective school years being over (except the high schoolers...oops), but it really is crazy. How can this year already be over? I'm not done being a first year yet - not done being new at everything, not done living at Maupin, not done being roommates with Maddie, not done eating breakfast at O'Hill everyday...seriously. But I guess I'm being kicked out. Done. Boom. Out out. No more living close to every other first year, no more walking everywhere due to lack of knowledge of the bus system (I'm learning), no more being physically and socially lost (...weeeellll...).

So before it all falls out of my brain, here are a few of my favorite memories (warning: not in chronological or alphabetical or any other kind of order)...

...of my first year at UVA 2010-2011!!

They are small, big, and medium and probably boring for a lot of people, but they were momentous to me, and I'm just trying to keep a record so I can look back and remember. Sorry about the monster-sized post ahead!! The scrollbar will probably be really tiny after I'm done with this.

1. One fateful bike ride with Maddie when everything went wrong at the same moment - 29340984 cars appeared from nowhere, pedestrians popped up to get in the way, bike pedal fell off - but we were too busy crazy-laughing to care too much.

2. Yodeling like these people after one especially sugar-loaded brunch at Runk.

3. 40-minute walk down McCormick Road from Old Cabell to Maupin - just cause I could. I think it was Friday and I was done with all my classes and felt like walking s u p e r  s l o w l y because I wanted to revel in not trying to get somewhere so fast. With my iPod and blue-toed flats, savoring every. slow. step. and hopefully not annoying too many people...heeehe I tried to stay on the edge of the sidewalk, like the slow edge of the track, you know?

4. Taking the scenic route up to my room from the beginning of the Maupin sidewalk. AKA walking purposely a little extra distance (like 3 feet, no big deal) instead of straight up the close-by stairs because the trees in front of our building are like a canopy under which one feels like a forest princess (or prince, yes).

5. Cramming into one tiny practice module at Old Cabell with Rajni, Densey, and Ericsam to practice this incredibly sad song over and over:

6. Naming Eric Ericsam - I've never had much luck with nicknames until E.S.! His real name is Eric but on the first day we met I think I decided (what a brat) that he looked more like a Sam and called him that for days until he finally broke down in tears and pleaded with me to at least call him Ericsam (just kidding about the tears). Wait a minute - I just realized how close this is to Samneric, from LOTF...WOAH.

...WOAH!!

7. The first night of art explosion when Maddie and I started scribbling all over our walls and officially became friends, not just roommates.

before (left): awkward and naked
after (right): comfortable and decorated! haha sorry Maddie...it's another sleeping picture...
(maddie and walls, respectively)

8. Lovey-dovey couple sighting at Clemons with Tim. I think they were in the pre-official, flirting stage so they would keep just sneaking looks at each other and being subtly annoying with their giggles and ticking each other. There was a bit of internal drama for the girl for a while because the guy went somewhere and didn't come back for a long time - she kept looking around, worried, unable to move on from the one page she was reading for like 400 minutes. And also she looked a little bit like a lion. I don't know - something about her...nose/mouth area. I had been chatting with Tim and told him to come over and see the small spectacle these people were making of themselves and at first he was like nah they're not so bad, but soon agreed with me that they were kind of ridiculous. Anyways by the end of the night (or day, whenever it was), they (and I) had gotten no work done. Absolutely none.

"bleh we like each other so much but we're not officially dating yet just flirting so it's kinda awkward! bleh we're gonna keep distracting other people around us by being cute/noisy/annoying! bleh! bleh! bleh!" (them, not us)

9. "Homeworking" at Crossroads with Maddie in the booth next to the extremely loud bro who was talking about girls and weekends - seriously I have never heard anyone with a louder conversational voice. The homeworking attempt just ended up with me and Maddie just making loud, obnoxious noises once in a while, half imitating the bro, half hoping he would take the hint. And then laughing about it like this: beweehwhahahhhHEIhihihulhuoohohlhlhuhuhlahahaaalal!!

10. Eating nova-originated pho and feeling a little bit bad about stinking up Crossroads - delivered by David "da bait" Densey. Seriously THE BEST <3

11. Finding, and freaking out about, the straightest banana in the world. 

I mean just LOOK AT IT!!

12. Exam-induced mania that resulted in secret identities.

Stanislov and Boris

13. One solitary afternoon spent exploring the Rotunda and all its symmetry! I think I got distracted on my way home from class and ended up here. It was a Monday. Solo adventures are the best - sometimes you just gotta be alone, and that's O.K!

from inside - hellooooooo Old Cabell!

boO

trying to take a timer picture in the Dome Room, fulfilling so many stereotypes: asian, tourist, noob first year...

14. Going to Skyline and oooh-aah-ing at the 2 billion shooting stars that decided to fall that night! Then coming back to Earth and eating McDonald's with John, Clarisse, Kenneth, David at the Lambeth amphitheater.

15. First day of Musicians on Call when mystery shopkeeper gave me a tiny paper bag with 3 Lindt truffles inside with a quiet "thank you."

16. Finding a wardrobe of mysterious purposes in Webb Lounge - "The Morgue" - and deciding to hide in it and then deciding to do a whole photoseries about explorer Maddie discovering a strange creature inside the weird wardrobe.

17. Christmas celebration in Maupin 220s for which we were never given our rightful reward of 1 Arch's ice cream pie. Though we spent 2.5 hours waiting for the judges to come and way too many dollars at the dollar store on cheap decor, it was worth the suite bonding and general Christmas merriment.

18. Plucking a certain DH's overgrown eyebrows in Christina's common room and being walked in on by Jacqueline, our RA. Taking pictures to document the evening's activities but swearing to never ever publicize them. 

19. Skipping February 7th of my a-picture-a-day calendar because it pictured a woman so ugly it was frightening. Seriously, what were they (the artist, museum personnel who chose to make the painting important, calendar publisher...everyone who had a part in causing the painting to reach my eyeballs) thinking?! Shudder...

20. Conquering DungeonMan. 

THE FLASK

21. Every time that this happened in chem postlab. Though all green doesn't necessarily mean you're all right...haha.

so excited I took a screen capture of it...

22. Discovering our downstairs (like through the ceiling and through the floor) neighbors in 123!! And proceeding to jump up and down while facebook chatting, "CAN YOU HEAR US?!" and yelling out the window and being responded with chairs banging on their ceiling/our floor. SO MAGICAL! :D

23. Spending an entire month of wintry nothingness, reveling in the beauty that is college vacation time. Being a baby at home and drinking hot chocolate all the time out of giant mugs and bathing Binky and building fires in the fireplace every night. 

24. Texting Joshua Hahm about the state of current precipitation whenever it was raining.

25. Coffee date with Josh Larosa - opposite-soul-revealing, etc. Coffee, blogtalk, discovering how different our brainwaves are.

this isn't from THE coffee date^, just a random time I happened to take a picture of Josh with a cup of coffee

26. Valentine's Day blahblah don't careboutit blah sorrybout it lalala. Okay seriously though - from GCF first year boys' awesomeness to lovenotes in Italian to secret stuff that was crazy but not regretted, really truly.

27. Amy and David's wedding in Philadelphia over Spring Break. It was my first real wedding (one for "my person" getting married, not a family friend or someone my parents know or something) and so touching and crazy (people I know as my sort of peers are getting married now?!) and also they played the Amelie soundtrack at the reception <3

not Amy and David HEEEHEEee

28. This obnoxiously gigantic apple that I found at O'Hill one day that followed me, like, everywhere, and demanded that I take pictures of it in like, every pose. 

if you're fb friends with me, you can read his whole life story!

29. Unplanned all nighter at Clemons that snuck up on me, but was somehow enjoyable in lots of different ways: because of boys talking about basketball (or something...), candy thrown into the air, early morning texts about being "awake as ever EVER!" and the stupid IR final that justified the all-nighter in the first place.

30. Easter Eve, ordering kabobs to Clemons and then ice cream cake at midnight to break Lent. Nuff said. ...Okay but with that said, must add: also doing healthily happy things with Maddie, like spending my entire last day at school together picnicking in New Cabell, sun-lounging and clover-searching in front of Maups, taking good pictures of one another and talking and laughing about everything. 

31. Creating several-minute-long videos, trying to capture my life at certain memorable moments and ending up with shaky footage of things anyone not in the video will skip through (actually I can see some people in the video skipping through it, too). Haha but it doesn't matter because it makes me laugh and remember and marvel at a time "so long ago!" when so many things were different, but also the same. Oops sorry for saying stuff that amounts to nothing.

32. Sitting through extremely long Tollywood movies and groaning about them afterwards.

33. Convocation: sitting facing the Rotunda and thinking about how we'll turn around to face Old Cabell in just a few years. Lots of people complained that it was boring and cheesy, but I really liked it.

34. Train traveling down to Charlottesville from a short stay in nova. It was too short of a ride for all the pictures I wanted to take, all the reading I wanted to do, all the chocolate I wanted to eat picturesquely. 

35. Taking Claire Lyu, who blew my mind every Tuesday and Thursday with her brilliance, out to lunch  (despite my secret fear of Western utensils). My notes from FREN 3032 are full of emoticons like this ":o !!!!!!!!!!!!!!" At lunch, we both had the chicken caesar salad, talked about France/Korea/America, and wondered about each other's brains, I think. 

36. James Cargile, the only reason for me not dropping Symbolic Logic like 309482 times. He enjoys banana bread as dessert to his lunch, works "for freedom", often forgets (to turn on) his hearing aids then sheepishly grins about it. Unfortunately I will probably never again take another class with him (at least let us hope not...for my academic sanity's sake) - I shall miss his brilliance, kindness, and weird humor that makes him admit his "minor pedagogical tragedies."

37. Eunice NO FEAR Jang, the common denominator to so many delightful things in my life this year: prayer team, being tablemates at Amy and David's wedding reception, GNO (girls' night out, as abbreviated by Bobbie) with much Enchanted sing-along-ing, Anne of Green Gables party with kimchi bokeum bap and cookies, crashing a sleepover at Aileen's with a funny collection of people :) 

38. Planning to write a blogpost about all the ways in which "one groweth" during the first year of college and realizing what a baby I still am and therethusforthly not being able to write that original post at all. Realizing that I'm a work in progress and all the ways in which God provides and being okay with not even having that much closure. Learning that I'm immature in ways that I didn't even imagine - how bad I am at moving out and saying goodbye. And at ending blogposts. eep.

GOODBYE FIRST YEAR!