h i a t u s

go here, cause madison is moooooving for a while!

The contented smile

just might be my favorite expression on a person, ever. Woah woah woah huge commitment, I know, and maybe a rash one, but my heart says so in this moment so what am I supposed to do?

The anatomy of the Contented Smile: This particular species of smile means that your face is relaxed, like you are feeling carefree and your face knows all about it. All the muscles are like "lala we are happy and content right now" so there's no tension in your brow, no wrinkly forehead lines of stress or worry. The relaxchillaxness carries over to your eyes, too, so they're all loose and kinda glazed-over-y with a hint of calmness that lifts the corners of your mouth; pulls down the corners of your mouth, ever so gently so your eyes and mouth are smiling almost exactly the same amount, which is kinda hard to make happen when you're smiling anywhere in the middle of the spectrum between the Smile of a Genuine Belly Laughter caliber and like...this face >:( which are two extremes, so it's easy to match the eyes to the mouth, because you're probably truly, genuinely feeling the smiley or the frowny.

The Contented Smile in its natural habitats: Because it is so specific to each person, the particularities of the causes for this smile vary widely. Feeling good cause your stomach is full of delicious food. Knowing that you have a whole summer ahead of you during which you can do...anything you'd like, which includes 'nothing at all.' Visiting an old place where you used to belong and finding that you still belong, that you stand in front of a mini-crowd of smiling and familiar faces. Reveling in the purely "this is so college" experiences of unplannedly eating hushpuppies and milkshakes at midnight. Being immersed in conversation that reveals bits of another person that are so lovely, even when you're kind of a cynic who maybe sometimes likes people better from a distance than right up close. haha. Having finished a monumental task that seemed impossible before but was indeed possible - as these things often are - cause it's done. Walking around outside and reveling at the beauty and feeling so certainly and perfectly loved.

Merits of the Contented Smile: I think the true justification for the fact that this fulfills my category for fave facial expression lies here. The Contented Smile is elusive and unassuming and unpretentious and honest - maybe a random collection of adjectives to describe a single thing, but let me try to explain. There's something lovely in the self-sustainability and self-absorbedness of this smile. It sounds funny to attribute 'self-absorbedness' to something in a positive way, but I guess I'm trying to describe that this smile is...not looking for any attention. It's not flaunting itself to try to indicate to other smilers in your vicinity that you're in agreement, or to communicate to the frowners that they should join you in not being frowny, or to dissipate awkwardness cause no one in the group seems willing to say or do anything except feel uncomfortable, or trying too hard to make friends. It's completely anti-social in the sense that it's not looking for a n y t h i n g from anyone else, which is pretty refreshing. It's totally and honestly welling up from inside yourself, and totally and honestly just happy for happiness' sake. It's unguarded and honest and also elusive, because it's so un-social. It can be difficult to catch something that's so not trying to be caught. But maybe the elusiveness adds to the allure, just cause.

Guess who you are, you who most recently inspired these thoughts in me :)

tried to google image search "contented smile" but
like I said, they're elusive!
So this is a picture of some kittens
in some tea cups.

:E

Ivory Camaraderie

original text: below below

translated by Madison Lee

The pillars of teeth

Rehearse their ferocious geometry,

But they are innocent

Like the white garments of a nun.

They say, “I open, I bite, I chew

If it is the command, I offer help

To the smile in its happy hour

And protect the flavors

In my humid vessel.”

Teeth are comrades,

Brothers in arms

And of harvests.

If one falls, wounded in the soul,

In the rosy gums,

The others are struck with fear

And astonished, crowd together

Leaning to the sides

In a gesture of camaraderie.

Teeth are drums,

Castanets, pealing,

Choirs in which the tongue

Seeks protection or lattice cover.

They are also tremendous weapons,

Knives from the gunsmiths,

Carnivorous drills

In the bloody gums.

Teeth are the witnesses

To the kisses and the dates.

Monks and loyal lovers,

Suicidal seminarians.

Dientes camaradas

Las columnas de los dientes

ensayan su feroz geometría,

pero son inocentes

como casullas de monja.

Dicen: “abro, muerdo, mastico

si es la consigna, ayudo

a la risa en su hora dichosa

y protejo los sabores

en mi húmeda vasija”.

Los dientes son camaradas,

compañeros de armas

y de vendimias.

Si uno cae, herido del alma,

en las rosadas encías,

los otros se sobrecogen

y en el estupor se apiñan

inclinados a los lados

en gesto de camaradería.

Los dientes son tamboriles,

castañuelas que repican,

corales donde la lengua

busca protección o celosía.

Son también armas tremendas,

cuchillos de las armerías,

trepanadores carnívoros

de las sangrientas encías.

Los dientes son los testigos

de los besos y las citas.

Monjes y amantes fieles,

seminaristas suicidas.

important:

What makes someone a Smart Person?

record of grace

The following is a transcript (preeeetty much) of my notes from the GCF Spring Retreat, March 2nd through March 4th. They are lengthy, choppy, personal, confusing. As much as I believe that probably no one will read them (so please don't tell me tl;dr - I already know...haha), I wanted to type them out and put them here as a record of grace and just to read through my own notes again and process them in this way and also to maybe serve as jumping off points for discussions, if anyone wants to talk about any of this stuff with me; wants me to explain myself. They're kind of lacking, because I can't include all the little drawings and stars and various font sizes and exact, scribbly formattings of the actual {non)words in my notebook, but I did my best! I am actually amazed at how many of the sentences are even coherent!! The huge-lettered things are titles of each new entry. Imagine these notes as speaking to you against the background of brown-y, recycled paper, with a gold spiral running down the middle of two pages, in green ink, of scrabbly messy handwriting.


March 2 GCF Spring Retreat PASTOR BYUNG Ham

Living Water vs. Tall Glass of Toilet Water

• Jeremiah: drinking from Living Water of JC vs. gutter water cisterns
• this THIRST has been with us for a LONG time. (from the time of Adam and Eve!)
• Adam & Eve! NEKKID!!
• always thirsting, b/c we're looking for glorifyglory
• always trying to decorate, to justify, to self-glorify...because we're THIRSTING for the living water
• why does the world constantly tell us to stay thirsty, stay hungry?
• b/c it's our nakedness that keeps the economy, the consumerism going
• woman at the well...most famous ex. of THIRST in the Bible.
• JC was only able to REACH THROUGH to her b/c she confessed, opened up of all her sins.
• *we need to be honest w/ God, too *
• *we need to stop snacking on the world to satisfy the thirst with temporary znax...*
• Luke 19 "Zacchaeus the tax collector"
• "Zacchaeus was a CHIEF tax collector and was WEALTHY"
• Z was a traitor...tax cheater...against his OWN ppl, Jews

[1. Identity                                2. Motivation                        3. Idols]

• Zacchaeus' idol was $... Greed = stealthy incognito ninja
• Pastor B: "너는...욕심이 하나도 없어." 
• greed=ambition}woah. $is what Pastor B's [parents] came to Am. for.
• $ is not GOOD or BAD. Being rich or poor is not a moral alignment. It just has this tendency to blind us, b/c of our already-fallen nature.
• When we're around homeless, disabled people, the DISCOMFORT comes from...the fact that they reflect what we are...INSIDE
• $ is a wonderful SERVANT, but a horrible MASTER.
• broken people...do broken things.
• Zacchaeus was a broken man.
• When you're serving the Ggod of ______ <-- [$, sex, career, love, romance...], you'll always listen to and obey that.
• and then that Ggod says it will justify you...
• Zaccaheus: the seeker was being sought <--> JC on a tree.
• JC 说: come down from there! I will give you righteousness.
•                                                I will make you pure.
•                                                I will justify you.                    } ==> new purpose!
• and he (Z) DIDN'T have to contribute...
• Micah 6:8 "justice, mercy, humility"
• 2 ways to fail at understanding this msg:
• superiority complex: "I'm not that bad; don't need JC!"
• inferiority complex: "I'm too bad to be saved..."
• HOW MUCH DO I GIVE? It's just money. My God is You."
• if you say "how much do I have to give?" You're still trying to work off your salvation.
• with Christ as your idol, you should be able to give up ANYTHING ELSE, BECAUSE of freedom.
• God is jealously pursing. So go drink the living water
• sex, money, career, beauty...They're all just gifts. They're great gifts! But THEY ARE NOT LIFE. JESUS IS LIFE.
• When Jesus is life, you're a slave to:
• righteousness, love, kindness, gentleness, forgiveness, peace, patience...

Small Group

the general trend is positive. don't be discouraged. 

[drawing of a squiggly graph with a general positive trend]

• When you learn smtg new, it won't stick if you're living 
• THE SAME LIFESTYLE & just trying to add the new thing into it. the LIFESTYLE must alter to fit the new learning!
• * * * * * * * * * * *  * * [lots of hand-drawn five-pointed stars]

3/3/12 SPRING RETREAT Sat. Morning

• you can read all the stories and...miss the whole point of the Bible
• Luke 24:27 - knowing the Bible & missing Jesus
• reading the Bible like Aesop fables, reading the Bible like a self-help manuel. about...US, fundamentally
• if not focused on Christ, all this Bible reading could just be fueling our narcissistic, self-help usage.
• application is all good, but...INSUFFICIENT
• scripture is a portrait of Christ. Tells the story of how God rescued a broken world, and how Jesus was the hero

[[ "The Word of the Lord reveals the Lord of the Word." ]]

• The Bible is about the broken human race and how God saved it.
• COVENANT:
• vow, promise, secure contract
• no need for reciprocating!
• 2 parts! Anticipation        The take back  GENESIS 22 (!) Abe&Sarah --> Isaac "HAHA"
• the thing is, not all idols begin as idols...
• if that were true, God would be a teasing God! They are gifts...
• family, children...
• "sin" = despairing refusal to find worth, self-identity in God.
• You must ultimately place your self-worth in CHRIST, because the force of your THIRST to fill that "God-shaped" hole will crush that idol. If your idol is:
• your family: you will be resented, for putting too much pressure.
• your career: you will do unethical things to get farther ahead
• your cause: you will lose sight...!
• your church, morality, religion: you will be proud, pompous, ...GUILTY
• and when you FAIL, even if God forgives, it won't be good enough for you...
• What do I love more than anything else in the world?
• What are you working for/looking to to bring significant?
• What would it look like to give up that idol?                      EVERYTHING IMPLODES
• *The best things are the most prone to become IDOLS *
• that's why ISAAC had to be give up.
• everyone has a LIFE STORY. suffering turns up the volume of that Broadcast.
• often, that process Reveals what you're living for.
• it's a continuous process of being SAVED...It is a process of revealing and strengthening...

What is my Isaac? What do I pray the most about, cry about, get super super super excited about? dream about.

• Abe had to go thru this, b/c he loved Isaac too much.
• It was a custom-made test for Abe
• i.e. Pastor B refrains from Dating, b/c of sexual temptations. --> so your testimony is not ruined. so you can be used by God, b/c it's about God and his story. NOT yours.
• Because a one of a kind test --> a one of a kind, custom-made worship.

"I see that you're calling me to live without the one thing I thought I'd never be able to live without...many of us don't see that Jesus is all we need until Jesus is all we have."

JESUS + Nothing = Everything

Everything - JESUS = Nothing

• Isaiah 53: God did this. crucified his Jesus.
• "God damn" = "I could do this better than God!"
• *THERE'S FREEDOM in JC, when he delivers you from your ISAACS.
• *GREATEST FEAR as Christian =/= failure
•                                                    = success at things that don't matter.
• *When we give JC our everything, our thirsts will be quenched
• (!) dying to self. JC as protagonist of our own lives

Small Group: my cross...a gross monster combo of selfishness + self-image

What will my test be?

What do I place my God-like expectations in & will be disappointed by?

Are you more glad to be the end pt. of his grace, or a tunnel through which it flows?

3/2/12 actually should be 3/3/12 post-discussion journalings

Why is it so important for us to have something to die to, something to lay down everything to? That's all that THE WORLD caters to - that desire, that unending need to be filled...the GOD-SHAPED hole. Who am I? Where do I belong? What can i devote my whole self to? ...A love? A child? A cause? A career?

It's a God-shaped hole. It must be filled with God. 

And Jesus transcends culture. Age barriers. 

"everything is empty"

"life is meaningless"

so many people say stuff like this. Tis a ubiquitous experience.

Must remember that IDOLATRY reigns over everything.

We need to devote ourselves to a 

nourishing, healthy, loving, self-sacrificing, ultimately-fill[ing] IDOL, CHRIST.

• Charismatics
• take it case by case,
• I believe that the Spirit does work powerfully in unfamiliar ways
• build relationships with those "charismatic" around us
• make sure to distinguish between worshiping God and worshiping theology. THAT can become an idol, too.
• IDOL traps
• legalism
• morality
• theology
• community
• feeling...Hedonistic Christianity??

3/3/12 Saturday Night

"Outside-IN vs. Inside-OUT"

                                                  -conditional love         -scandalously unconditional

                                                -creates insecurity         -I obey...BECAUSE he loves me.

                                  -I am good --> God loves me.    -DAILY presents/presence = ULTIMATE GOAL!

                                        I obey --> God loves me.      -death to self => fading away into eternity.

                             -We just want God's xmas presents

• greatest enemy of the best =/= the worst
•                                         = the good enough
• remember the giant carrot story. What separates the sacred from the secular is MOTIVE.
• am I a "SO THAT" Christian? Yes :( showing others

[Obedience & Trust vs. Cost-Benefit Analysis]

of Adam and Eve's demise:

• if Adam and Eve had been told of all the bad tings that have happened because of the Fall, they certainly 

would not have eaten from the tree... But God/Jesus would've been NO part of that decision. That would've been a

SO-THAT DECISION

It would've been a result of recognizing God as THE measure of all that is good.

• Do I refrain from _______ because I love Jesus?
• No. It's because of ___________ consequence.
• If we do certain good deeds and refrain from certain bad ones, FOR the purpose of being a good person, righteousness itself becomes an idol.
• Luke 18: 9-14 Pharisee: "I'm so good! Phew good thing I'm not them"
• but hey, evil isn't anywhere far. It's inside.
• So wen people ask, "how can you believe in a good God with so much evil in the world?"
• say hey, look in your own heart (b/c WE believe to be saved..)
• Mean Girls: everyone's just looking for a bunch of -tions. validation, justification, ...and thirsting for it, and there's only one waterbottleful of glory...
• And when there's only one bottleful of coveted glory, you're gonna disgrace, deface, the image of God in all others to gain artificial righteousness.
• rappers = justified after jail
• "DOES MY FORM OF RIGHTEOUSNESS HURT OTHERS?"
• stomping others DOWN to become higher.
• But when you're in Christ, you don't need the justification the world offers. and you can...
• stop being jealous
• start loving your enemies
• stop the competition
• start honoring others without needing their justification
• serve others, pray for others, because I don't need anything from them!
• To be friends? To be loved? To be wanted? Yeah, I want those things. But I don't need them.

YES, THIS IS THE IMPLICATION OF THE GOSPEL!

• justification: JC died for us, and forgave us of the $5 trillion of debt. NOT ONLY THAT, but added $5 trillion of his own righteousness!
• and then you are HOLY because GOD says so. B/c of JC.
• Identity determines ACTIVITY
• if you believe you're a sinner, you'll live like one
• if you believe you're a justified, beloved person, you'll live like one

you spread what is the deepest inside your soul

• Why won't God justify the NONbelievers who are morally better than us? To GLORIFY himself. To make himself famous with our lives.
• if we don't make him famous through our POST-justification life, we're 又 just making ourselves famous, 又 putting down anyone else who doesn't fit our definition of righteousness.
• Pastor B's mom...justified by her husband and children taking her back. but still, she tries to regain justification by working off her past shame, avoiding more future shame. That is a life guided by, run by [fear, disgust, avoidance of shame].

live in freedom. live in righteousness,

• think of all those people who were told they weren't good enough and worked all their lives to prove those people wrong. --> "what are you gonna do when the haters are gone?"
• we're all looking for criticism from somewhere
• this is what Joy G (7th grade, Kammerer no friend girl) knew...from such a long time ago, isn't it? That she didn't need to be justified by anyone but JC. Only He can make us whole.
• All we need is NEED. All we need is NOTHING.
• If we don't have Christ, all the "good works" are done in vain. in fear. we must burst into his presence and ask, "Daddy, do it again. Tell me who I am."
• Identify = defining. Jesus tells me who I am.

The cross tells me who I am. Jesus tells me who I am. After sinning, we run to him and repent and ask him to define us. There's no more shame because that was all done at the cross. And he'll never speak of it again. 

"I don't want you guys to go all out because it's the last night. I want you to go all out because God is GOOD. Because God is so worthy. Because he is so good."

9:07 pm 

Grace Bible Camp

Lexington, VA

It doesn't mean the thirst will be gone. But it means we'll know where to drink from until Heaven.

Playing: "O the Wonderful Cross" 

Today 9:25pm is my spiritual re-birthday. My August, 6th grade spiritual birthday was a birth of emotion. I do believe that birth, that awakening of Christ's love was indeed genuine, and that it was that time that God used to place the Holy Spirit in me. That was indeed genuine. Yes. But, emotions on their own were obviously not enough. They fueled me for a little while at least, and that fueling was real...just not enough for long sustenance. There was no logical, thought-revelation revelation of THE FREEDOM OF CHRIST in m life!! So all my actions were so ME-driven. Almost empty (not completely). But now it's complete. My identity is in Christ, and I finally get that FREEDOM. 

How silly that it took my so long.

How silly how seriously I took myself.

How difficult it was for me to live without the foundation of that knowledge in my life.

And how thankful, how excited I am to begin this new, beautiful, empowered life. & this new page.

Thank God!

How my heart beats!!

My life has ALWAYS been about making a big, bang-y impression. I was equipped with a spunky personality and a shiny smile that, when flashed with the right timing and combination, often made some kind of an impression. And to a certain extent, I think God equipped me with these things as survival tooks. To survive - and in many ways, truly, thrive - all the moves my family transitioned through. So, so much of my identity was planted in how others would react to me. How others looked at me. I lived for it, that flash of surprise in people's eyes - the glimmer of imbalanced reaction. Rocking people a bit with an unexpected juxtaposition of words, an unnerving flash of smile, a snarky comment just cause I was the mysterious, brightshiny new girl. All the time. Because I had to SPARK(LE) at every new school. But that became an idol. Always looking to others for some secret, subtle, maybe even unintentional, recognition and attention and approval. 

9:55pm

• the line (btw. idolizing ____ vs. using _____ for his glory): minset. mindset. motive. motive. your kingdom or his kingdom?
• God made us for himself. God didn't save us for mission trips
•                                                                     for pastoral duty
•                                                                     but for himself.
• Even non Christians! They all wanna be more patient
•                                                             more kind
•                                                             more affectionate
•                                                             more giving        }what are all theses qualities? => JC
• don't just stare at the cross and feel bad, or be scared into doing good works; into not staring anywhere. THAT'S NOT THE POINT. take your eyes off yourself, put your gaze on Christ.
• The only thing that can CHANGE people = beauty. not the grotesque.
• STOP looking at yourself in the mirror. Look at JC. and the undercurrent will take you away.
•                                                                                             undercurrent
•                                                                                            undercurrent
• Xtianity is the ONLY truth that makes humility, and whose truth doesn't suffocate. whose truth is genuine.
• Tim Keller - Counterfeit Gods
• how do you keep communities from getting suffocating?
• confess more. you start.
• No one is holy. JESUS is holy. And we're only holy at the expense of JC.
• fruit =/= gifts
• fruits are born because of our choice to be under the presence of God      
• fruits define maturity
• in the face of forgetfulness, in the face of being disillusioned...remember that God is a God of creation. Don't look for recreations of past experiences.

11:40 pm

This message is ultimately fulfilling. The me-centered message was running out of fuel, because it's...well, me-fueled, had been me-centered! There's not much substance in that. The "OMG Jesus lahvs me so much" takeaway just wasn't enough anymore. THIS is the first time I've had this natural urge to share. 

evidences

• first instance of desire to SHARE this
• right message --> right register/grid. overcame the barriers! to 听懂!
• finally provided with conviction that Christianity is absolutely the only one.
• God-centered. makes sense. I have no objections here. <-- though it's NOT about that ANYWAYS

autobús

"I am relevant!"

I like it when the seat right behind the bus driver is empty because that's where I best like to sit. Not cause it's the coolest, or the warmest, or the best people watchingest, or cause it gets-you-there-the-fastestest, or whatever other superlative you might desire from a bus ride, but because this is where I have sneaky secret access to the bus driver. Because from here, I can very slightly and very casually lean over - as if to stretch out my gluteus sideus, or to simply heave myself a yawn, or to peer out of the windshield as if that might make some kind of a difference - and, in fact, inconspicuously whisper into the unsuspecting ear nearby, "...Does this bus go to...say, Hereford?"

This ear may sometimes contain intriguing piercings, or be lined with that teensy line of ear fuzz that ears can sometimes have, or simply be rocking out to the self-selected tunes that stream through the airwaves that the bus speakers make, or if it is wintertime, perhaps be hiding beneath the furs of a cozy hat. Indeed, this ear closest to my favorite seat on every bus is unique, special, and particular to each individual whose head-side it occupies, but on each bus remains exactly the same in that it is always the closest one to this particular seat.

So I like it when the seat right behind the bus driver is empty because it is the one seat toward which this ear can most reasonably crane, without neck injuries or bus accidents or attention-drawings from the rest of the bus crowd, the great masses not so fortunate to be sitting in this special seat. Because this is the seat, after having received the secret inquiry through that ear, to which the bus driver can most discreetly and conveniently whisper back, "No..." (and if they're nice, also with a "...sorry..." but mostly just with that look of discomfort from my whisper having been a tad too close to his or her ear) as I sigh and pull the little ding-string, and Request dat Stop, and put on my sheepish face (._.) - to get off this very wrong bus, abandon this perfectly wrong seat, so very&conveniently close to the front door of the bus, through which I make my slightly-ashamed, no-longer-a-first-year; have-no-excuse kind of escape and trek out once again into the webby, wide worldful of unmastered bus lines and kind, bus drivery ears, just waiting to be whispered into.