This person prefaced her thanks by saying, "Now I know you might get embarrassed about this kinda thing, but I just wanted to tell you..." and proceeded to tell me how nice lovely unforgettable (hohoho) my nice something was, that I had done for her. How that card was one of the nicest she had ever received. How she's gonna keep it forever. How it's going in her "Treasure box." And of course, I graciously (hmm...actually this is questionable) replied that "of course, it was nothing, I am so glad you liked it, I truly meant that niceness, it was from my heart, because you more-than-deserve it," etc.
And dashed out of the room because I really really really had to pee. In my hurry I didn't really think this thing through and basically ran out on her thanks/compliments to me, which she had brought up with that very preface that was supposed to keep me from running for the hills. er the toilets.
Probably solidifying this person's idea of me as this emotion-shy person who is only emotional in cards, not to be read in my presence after I have given it to you. That I am expressive, but reservedly, that I am emotional, but privately. That I can't bear to hear praises without blushing furiously in modesty, always running for the proverbial bathroom. ...All of which is not true! Just look at that unabashed (hohoho) up there. There is no shame at all about my emotions to be found here. None.
At least this is what I think of myself. Or how I used to be, unless I've changed without me noticing (or accepting):
To me, my true self, and I, I am abounding and joyful and expressively sorrowful, each in appropriate turn. And grateful (much), and complanatory (loudly), and actually really kind of adorable sometimes, though this might be biased. Like only my mom thinks so, because she sees a lot of me, in duration and depth, and also is the person who birthed me, which makes her prone to think nicer things about me than the rest of the world. Why...am I feeling less and less convinced by my own arguments?
FOcus: I exclaim!! liberally, try to concertedly color my language with underappreciated adjectives, get sparkly-eyed only all the time.
But even with all these thoughts running through my head while my feet were running bathroom-ward and then back, when I found myself back in the presence of the person whom I had basically abandoned there in the room with her thankful emotions, I couldn't bring the conversation back, to appropriately pick up loose ends and appreciate all her feelings and express more of mine in return. Couldn't correct her, gently, that no indeed not, that does not make me feel embarrassed! I am very happy that you expressed these things to me. Thank you. Each second that passed was another grain of sand in the hourglass that fell through the skinny and irrevocable waist of its Passage of Time and I couldn't bring the moment back. It was gone -- and so were the emotions. To anyone not inside my head (read: everyone but me), I was indeed emotion-shy. It did indeed embarrass me, these profuse thankses. Whether accurately or not, she had noticed that I was "shy" -- and when she pointed this out, I felt...shy about it. Weird how self-fulfilling prophecies always sorta work in their weird self-fulfillingy ways.
Is it true that I've become this person who doesn't do emotions, who makes you pause and tilt your head questioningly when I say something in a squeaky voice cause uh...Madison just doesn't do cute. Or is this just another self-fulfilling prophecy?
What if I was cute when I felt like being so, or serious, or deep, or sad, overwhelmingly sad, and also ecstatic and thankful when I had cause to be? When I remembered to be? Being honest to momentary emotions and not thinking so much about "what kind of person I am & have always been" and thus, "what kind of person I am supposed to be; am expected to be."
Tonight, I am content. I am thankful, and hopeful, in different measures that feel like the gently different shades of one big ocean. I am aware of my inadequacies in ways that feel manageable and hopeful, rather than despairing, and I am a little tiny bit meta-ashamed of the exponentially increasing corny level of my blogposts, with all their intentional use of underappreciated adjectives and weird, un-thought-out imageries that I just type out as my mind blurts them out in their vague, overhyphenated sentences. And I am a little cold. Though that is more of a sensation, I suppose, and one that I will act upon by hopping into bed. Promptlybye
!
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