What a beautiful thing second year is. What a beautiful, overwhelming, incredibly satisfying, unsettling, and calm and insane simultaneous-beginning-and-end! But I guess that's redundant, hmm, "simultaneous beginning and end" because after all, all beginnings are endings of other things and vice versa versa vice.
&What a beautiful thing this summer was. What a wonderful, blessed, lovely, lazy and productive, love-filled, undeserved present for me.
So far, here are my inadequate blabberings about this beautiful thing that is second year:
Second year is meeting up with beloved professors from last year and nervously and awkwardly making conversation because I'm still in awe of how much I admire them. Continuing to sit there though the usual topics of conversation have run out and basking in their wisdom and kindly words and letting all the respect-love-awe ooze out of my silly lopsided smile and knowing that they can totes tell that I'm enamored of them but not caring. Unnecessarily but gratefully borrowing
umbrellas from them in face of hurricane scares. Finally walking out of the office and returning home on bouncy, dreamy, floaty feet.
Second year is knowing - and taking a ridiculous amount of pride in the fact that - I'm not so lost anymore. Geographically, directionally, academically, interpersonally, spiritually, extra-curricularly, everything-ly, feeling infinitely more sure of myself than just one year ago. Confidently navigating through the Activities Fair and only looking at stuff I actively want to look at;
knowing the difference between stuff I actively want to look at and the stuff I know I don't have to worry about,
"just in case". Not feeling a pang of shame whenever I recite my list of classes to answer the question, "what are you taking this semester?! :D?" to well-meaning people who didn't mean to, but really used to, make me feel so direction-less and pointless by their questions that reminded me what ridiculous range of classes I was taking. Bouncing on the balls of my feet with my backpack straps confidently clutched in my left and right hands and strutting (in my own small way) all around grounds, except NOT really because...almost all of my classes exist in New Cabell. AHAhahah.
Second year is, after all that "I'm not so lost anymore ohohohoho" business, in real life application: changing my intended major(s) EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Calling people late at night, panicking about this silly thing I haven't even declared yet. And, whenever people ask what my major is, having to preface my answer with the warning: "Well,
todayyy..."
Second year is being frantic to "catch up soon" and "eat a meal with" and "seriously taaaaalk!" with you, and you, and you, and you, and the rest of the whole wide world. But sincerely. Sincerely being excited about seeing how the summer has changed you, and to tell you how this summer has changed me. Sincerely being interested in what you have to tell me, and sincerely desiring to eat said meal at O'Hill for old times' sake.
Second year is, speaking of which,
never eating at a dining hall. Not cause I don't want to but cause there doesn't seem to be any time or excuse to. Being a little bit sad, but mostly mystified by this dramatic change from the year before. Being bad at eating adequate meals, but also not wanting to eat so much junk food, which is kind of funny and refreshing. Oh, and also: FOOD TRUCKS and BUBBLE TEA :o
Second year is taking too many credits again but having huge, grateful confidence in the fact that though I am weak and fall-asleepy-in-class all the time and absolutely unable to survive this semester on my own, He is
"faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it" and that "
I can do all this through him who gives me strength" and of course, even in my inadequacies and "
weakness" his power is made completely perfect.
Second year is falling in love with GCF Class of 2014, ahh so much inexplicable love for these lovelovelovely people. Being so thankful that we are together and bonded as this special group that so often puts the Grace(Christian Fellowship) in my life. Appreciating the fact that we, as a whole entity, are people who own cars on grounds now, people who give others rides, people who are in charge of knowing directions to get to downtown and of transporting younger people to Sweetfrog without getting pulled over by the police or anything like that.
Second year is going from Chinese Corner at 6pm, coming to appreciate the subtle sounds of this language that I always thought was so un-beautiful and eating some shrimp dish that made my mouth all spicy, and then hopping over to the Italian Corner at 8pm, listening to poetry about the sea and writing...haikus in Italian, wishing the inspirazione would strike in just 2 minutes. Feeling wonderfully confused and mashed-up, squished in and navigating between the thin membranes that separate these vastly different but wonderfully similar worlds of languages. Baffling the kids on the Arabic floor with my knowledge of:
this. Heehe.he.
Second year is no longer being a first year and surprisingly self by truly loving and reveling in that small and really natural and unsurprising fact. It uuuuusually goes like this, you know? 1st year, 2nd year, etc. But being just so surprised/delighted at it. Feeling for the first years who must be feeling the same feelings I was feeling last year, in their shoes - a little lonely, a lot overwhelmed, a medium amount of lost. Praying for them and making wishes for them and doling out hugs whenever shyness can be overcome. Being extra-calm and hopefully calm-
ing when I converse with them, so they won't feel overwhelmed cause I seem like I know what I'm doing or something, and so they know they're not alone in this disorienting experience, and so they don't feel like they have to try so hard to make this conversation pop and happen and to be happy to
meet me and
shake my
hand and be all,
hi, my name is Madison nice to meet you! kinda stuff.
Second year is reconnecting with people with whom I share brainwaves, and those with whom I share heartbeat rhythms - the "you're good for me" people. Deciding things and making school-year goals and creating special lingo and having full-circle conversations and deciding to become detail friends and being unabashedly needy at times. And being sad about the fact that I'm being needy, but also happy about it cause that must mean we're truly truly true friends; that I feel all comfortable being neeeeedy with you.
Second year is weaving together the loose strings of new, loosey scraps I learned about myself over the summer and through beginning-of-the-year soul-clarifying conversations. Finding people who leave me hanging during our gchat conversations and happily finding that these alone-in-the-conversation moments are precious seconds in which I talk to - and kind of find - myself. Being surprised by reading back on self-conversations like this:
me: at first i was really disappointed cause i realized that its not gonna be that strict. i would probably benefit more, language-wise, from being in either the french or the spanish house, but thepeople seem cool and it's nice and new and air conditioned and in a good location and all these other good things so its okayi keep being sad that im not living with people i already love and am comfortable with, at like crossroads or cc or somethingbut i know i'll come to appreciate this. Sent at 7:36 PM on Sunday me: it's just beginning-of-new-things pains
Second year is finding people who intrigue me and make me want to know them and their old cars more and better and feeling unnecessarily hurt and indignant when they don't text me back appropriately. Being reminded that I'm still an immature little person. Reveling in that, too.
Second year is overcoming extreme packrattyness as well as the overwhelming first year desire to KNOW ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON and removing self from unnecessary listservs whose emails I always just skimmed through anyways. Receiving those confirmation emails about being removed from said spam lists and not feeling nostalgic or panicky about all those future emails I shall miss out on and being inspired to start a blog post, past 12am, on the night before the first Chinese quiz for which very little studying has been done so far, while my roommate laughs at the fact that I'm not "writing a paper...I'm blogging!!" while my blog music flows into my ears and nurtures my sleepy brain and feeling self-conscious about the fact that even though I didn't actually make this a bullet point list, that's basically what it is (
"Have I lost the ability to write in paragraphs?"). Not actually writing the blogpost that I had planned. One for which the current title would've been completely relevant and appropriate. One bridging wonderful summer and wonderful beginning of school while summing up both wonderful things cleverly and nicely and memory-good-yay-ly, but not even going back to change the beginning now cause I'm so tired and it's time to sleep,
Iwillwakeupearlytomorrowtostudyforthisquiz. Painfully, delightedly realizing that some things really have not changed at all since one year ago.
