THE COOKIE OF SORROW AND SUPPLICATION

so much incompetence and stress and groveling for mistakes made this weekend.

pls.

I am a mess.

and yet, this weekend was also a time of dispensing weirdly mature, fourth-year wisdom to a little sista in much need, sweeping in, all knight-in-shining-armor style, dispensing mickey d's soft serve cones and french fries like a reallife crisis expert.

truths:

• it is okay not to be okay
• we are heirs with Christ
• there is probably something in our dna that causes us to wonder about things that lead to conclusions consisting of something like ["thank you Jesus!"] and once this happens, one more puzzle piece of the soul is settled in its right place.
• "I know it's easier said than done. Boy do I know it. But I'm just telling you these things cause in this moment I have the privilege of being Not You, being an outside voice speaking into your life. Take it! Listen! Breathe!"
• just keep breathing. just keep swimming. 

oh boy. oh boy oh boy oh boy. girl.

blips of the brain

specialness

what takes up the mostest chunk of your heart?


substantial


What takes up the mostest chunk of your heart?

Mostest is trying, inadequately, to describe a healthy alliance between "biggest" and "most concerted" and "intensest." So: What takes up the biggest-most concerted-intensest chunk of your heart? What reminds you to be good, to be better than you are right now? Makes you feel worthy of people's TLC and indignant when you're not getting it? What makes you feel complete, makes you feel whole and confident and sparkly? [albeit momentarily, always momentarily]

What makes you feel sparkly?

Sparkly is trying, inadequately, to describe that radiant feeling of wholeness of spirit; when you're at a dinner party and you feel at ease with everyone in the room, at the party, in the world; so fine with the world that you feel fine with yourself. [without the help of our good dinner party friend, CH₃CH₂OH]

character flaws

personality types

conflation of all problems into one

come at me, world



If it's specialness I'm looking for, Lord send me a wake-up call every time you wake me up.

Wake Up: "You are a child of God."

Wake Up: "Jeeeeesus died; you are an heir together with him!"

Wake Up: "No need to look to boys and girls for the recognition you yearn for... It's never enough, anyway."

meta-upchuck: leaning in

It is exceedingly frustrating to be in a conversation with a bunch of privileged, well-educated but under-experienced young (college) people about things that we've only theorized about in classrooms and read about in our New York Times articles, about worlds we haven't experienced, people we don't know how to empathize with, criticizing criticisms and throwing out - throwing up - theories that have been shallowly crammed into only the thin-aired layers of our uppermost brain stratospheres. No one knows how to answer anything except in more questions, in more tangential quips about some new detail they can bring to the blabber, in a yet louder voice, source: yet another TedTalk that we only used half of our hearts to concertedly browse through.

In short, it is exceedingly frustrating to be in conversations with a bunch of [me]s. Solipsistic and hamster-wheeling our way into the most civilized kind of arguments about Big Problems Plaguing Our World Today [AS NEVER BEFOOOREEE!!], mind-numbingly unproductive,  rankly stagnant in our game of selfjustification-sophistication. Sometimes it feels like some sort of manic speed and endurance game, where everyone in the circle has to say at least one thing before the whole group goes around once, and you'll compete for that golden spotlight - at once glorious and terrifying - before and after which nothing matters. Other than those isolated moments of self-sparkle, you listen. Or not.

In these maddening moments of the sick circle game we play in all our liberal arts tragi-comedic glamour, sometimes I get the urge to block up my ears with my fists (ineffective, I know, but it's a part of the whole unfortunate scheme) and run around the room, yelling AHHH, full-on first grade. It is my daydream that someday, someone [me!?] will join in, and we will begin an impromptu game of duck-duck-goose -- finally rendering some meaning and humanity and real-life progress back into that holy circle of trust, intellectual stimulation, and forward-thinking maturation into which I leeeeeean, too often these days, as a fourth year undergraduate kid who knows nothing about everything, as fickle as a sunny, sandwichy day, complete with storm clouds of banality brewing, imminent and menacing in the lurky canvas corners of Normal Life.

the news

JJ, you so right.

Watching the (Korean) news with mom and dad at dinner and found myself constantly in panic. Dying livestock, dying regular stocks, monster-sized icicles, mini icebergs floating down the 한강...sigh. There was one good thing after 298234 bad things - apparently the report (made 12 years ago) about the flu vaccine causing autism was made up. And in a way, for somebody out there that piece of news is a horrible one too, I  mean for that scientist person who did the initial study, wrote the report, blahblah.

Makes me feel so helpless. And makes me think of how every banal moment of my life must be, for someone else in the world, is the worst, most frightening, life-changing, wonderful, etc. moment. Every moment, around the whole world, is something special and ultra significant. How little I am, and how big the world is. And how much bigger the God behind the happenings and healings of every moment everywhere! wuhhhhhhhhhh so global.