TUBA

10 days in Tuba City,

1 week to process & finish journalings,

3 days of writing/sending thank you letters to supporters,

7.5 days to accomplish snail mail goals...

which still leaves like an entire week til now, and soooo many different excuses for why this post has been so slow in coming. Sorry if you were waiting, sorry if you weren't waiting, sorry that this post is so long and rambly and not very good at conveying all the AMAZING that this trip really was. Pleeeeeeease talk to me in person if you want to hear more and/or are confused by anything in my inadequate writing!!

Some background information: I went on a mission trip this summer! From June 24th to July 3rd, to Tuba City, AZ. Tuba City is the biggest and "nicest" city in Navajo Nation, the Native American reservation located in Arizona. It is hot, dry, and dusty. It is full of red rocks, night skies full of stars, and a surprising number of fast food places. The kids here hang out at a skate park, and there is a grocery store (Basha's) whose name some members of our team still do not know how to pronounce (BAshee's? BAW SHAW's???).

We spent a lot of our short ten days traveling to and from Tuba, but for a few days in between all the traveling days, 110+ people from all over the country (Chicago, California, Maryland, Virginia) collaborated to put together a Vacation Bible School for the kids, a Teen Week Program for the youth, an Adult Bible Program, and an Outreach Ministry for the community at large. I know it was an amazing experience for our team as a whole, as well as many people of Tuba City.

But here are the Madison-specific moments that were momentous during my time in Tuba City and some before and some afterwards - I know...so self-centered. Gah can't help it. But! :) again, please please talk to me if you want to know more! Someone asking me, "how was it?" about this trip caught herself, saying "what a simple question to an answer that could probably fill a book, right?" At the time, I didn't think it was true - how could I ever have so much to say about any one thing? - but writing thank you letters, other letters, journal entries...I'm finding that she really was right. My heart overflows with things to share, and this blog post is so insufficient. The following bullet points will probably not be in any sort of order (except maaaaybe chronological), and may be edited in the next few days as I remember more to write, and may not even make sense, and will probably make the scrollbar on the right side of the screen reeeally teeny.

Madison's Momentous Moments, Tuba City edition (each shall start with a quote from my TC journal entries! Privileged preview :o !! Haha not reeeally... But these will reveal moments of insecurity and honesty, I hope):

• "I feel so unprepared for this trip - I feel like we haven't bonded enough, we haven't gotten all the events together, we haven't...ahh I dunno (Friday June 24th 3:01pm)"
• This was before officially leaving for the trip. Was so full of doubts in preparing for, and even during, the whole thing. Constantly felt inadequate and self-conscious about our (lack of) preparations, and my own unpreparedness, lack of prayer, etc. But seriously, God redeemed everything good and everything that lacked. What a foolish little person I was to think that any of this was about me at all!! And with that, I'll share my personal anthem verse for this trip: "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9 AH what a wonderful God.
• "...to not come back until we've shared all our love with the kids... (Friday June 24th 6:10pm)"
• On the flight out to Arizona, I got to sit next to Jinnamin, whose dream is much more admirable and lovely and humbling than anything I could think of (ask her about it! hehe). Anyways, right after she turned her phone off for the plane's take-off, she showed me this text from Sunny who said (something along the lines of), "don't come back until you've given the kids all your love!" Immediately I felt so at peace and convicted to simply...LOVE, as Jesus has loved me. I quietly promised myself at that moment to truly remember this conviction every moment of the trip. God used this little promise in tremendous ways - allowing me to just channel His great love for His beloved children! It was amazing, what I felt for these kids I only knew for a few days. So not from me - I'm way too selfish - it was all from God, this love.
• "It's hugely spacious and open land, but..(Saturday June 25th 3:56pm or something like that)"
• ...for some reason, I kept feeling so unopen, unclear. Does that make sense? Like, the opposite of open. Blocked up? I dunno. But every time we drove out in our huge white vans into the huge red desert and every time I looked out at the open land, my chest would feel all squeezy and claustrophobic inside. I came to associate all the openness with barrenness and dryness, instead of the beauty that I could have seen. Not really sure why. I just kept feeling so parched, and wanting more of God's presence in Tuba City. Maybe it was God placing more prayers in my heart. It worked.
• "...because they are lovely and loveable... I want to love more. That shall be the theme of this mission trip. Love More. (Saturday June 25th 11:44pm)"
• More about this love thang. This particular love burst was about my fellow mission team members. I just kept seeing so many lovely sides of these people I was serving with and couldn't help but love them and want to get to know them more. It was truly amazing, what God allowed me to see and feel, once I stepped back from my own judge-y nature just a little bit. Amazing. I truly love my TC team.
• "...I am proud to proclaim to you, O Diarye, that we are facebook friends (28th of June 11something PM Greyhills Hotel)."
• HAHA more love! This is about a particular person, obvi, and just how much I love and admire her, even though I don't know her very well. So proud to be fb friends with her. This passage in general was very blabbery cause I was really tired, but it was basically a bullet point list of everyone I was in love with on our team heehe.
• "Bucket List check! train count: 113 Flagstaff, AZ TUbaCity Mission Trip (6/29/11)"
• Okay so on Wednesday, the Teen Program took a field trip to Flagstaff, Arizona - about an hour away from Tuba. We split up into different teams and engaged in some friendly competition via a photo/video scavenger hunt all over the downtown area, which was cute and surprisingly easy to navigate. I was really scared that I would lose people and it was weird to be in a position of leadership over these kids cause I...SUCK at being directionally oriented, but it was okay and I didn't lose any of my girls AND we came in third place! :)
• "I am not really sure what to feel right now. I am a little bit upset that my hands smell like dirt (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm)"
• This is just a teeny thing, but still kind of a significant olfactory memory...haha. The soap in the girls' bathroom (out of the dispenser stuck on the wall) always made my hands smell like dirt. 
• "I wish to speak to him more and I pray that God softens his heart (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm)."
• About one of the teens I met - I love and worry over and care for him a lot. He was one of the teens who were "delivered" from demons by Pastor Joshua, and I am superbly happy to say that he is so completely changed since we left Tuba City. It's really amazing what God can do in someone's life - these are such cliche words and I lament the fact that the clichedness takes away from their power, but cliches are cliches for a reason, right? Was so blessed to have witnessed his transformation, and just to be a part of his life. He is mature beyond his years and amazes me on a regular basis. I just want to continue to show him love and let him know that he is so special to me. I know God is going to do powerful things through this guy. Lucky, lucky boy.
• "Missing-toenail-water-drinker and her little brother (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm)."
•  There is a skate park in Tuba City where the locals go to hang out. We did "park ministry" there, basically reaching out and letting people know about the VBS, Teen Program, and Adult Bible Study that was going on for the week. I met these two tiny kids who kept trying to reach the water fountain - a little girl and her little brother. She had a slight toenail injury and it was all dangly, but at first she kept insisting that it was okay and that I shouldn't look at it. But by the end of the evening she trusted me enough to ask me if I had a nail clipper or something. I somehow found one for her and clipped it as best as I could. This evening was full of moments of doubt - kept thinking, 'should I have done VBS? It's so easy to love these kids and they clearly need so much love... Am I doing what God called me to do, truly?' Ah so many doubts, but in the end I am so glad I was a part of the teen ministry. Praise God for doubts pondered and doubts redeemed!! I hope toenail girl and little bro are okay. Getting enough water and all. Ah.
• "Youth kids can provide you with love bracelets, too (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm)."
•  Another small silly sadness I had about not doing VBS was the fact that there would be no tiny tokens of tangible love I would be able to take back home (or so I thought), since we wouldn't really be doing crafts in the Teen Program. It's not the actual little bracelets and stuff I'd miss, obviously, but the gesture of giving, I guess. Somehow a gift, whatever it happens to be, just seems so much more special when it comes from a baby. Maybe because they really don't have much to give, but they put that effort into creating the little craft and then they just GIVE it to you. Hahaha I don't know. But anyways, I was wrong about this too. Total love loot from my TEENs: 1 sillyband, 2 plastic bracelets (1 right off of her wrist, another the next day, from her house), a little evangelism booklet ("To. Madison, I hope you like this book because it tells you how people believe in God."), a marker picture of two cute, small creatures saying "THank you :)", 1 friendship handshake. I am so rich with love.
• "All the addresses so far have been P.O. Boxes (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm)."
• Decided to ask for some of the kids' addresses so I can further embark on my bucket list checklist of "developing a meaningful snail mail correspondence." Everyone wrote out their addresses in a different order of things (first the PO box number, then the zip code, then the city, then state...? wait wait city first? wait...) so I was kinda confused at first, but the letters seemed to have gotten their all right. Whew.
• "...so faithful in the smallest to medium to the biggest things...how can I keep from shouting your name (Friday, July 1st 12:50am nighttime journaling sesh)."
• Just in awe of God's faithfulness! He literally answered e v e r y prayer: for love, to let us see GREAT things, for tangibility, for closure, and for thirsts quenched, literally and figuratively. Totes should've asked for a unicorn... HAha just kidding. God is not a magicbox. One of the most amazing ways that God answered my personal prayer was through my small group - a group of 3 girls that I fell in immediate sync and love with, from the first day. There was a lot of angst on my part, though, because I felt like I wasn't connecting with them on a "deeeper" level, especially during our discussions. On the last day of small group time, I had prayed beforehand, "God PLEASE let them open up to me PLEASE PLEASE change MY heart if it's not your will to show me tangible things PLEAASE AH," but was disappointed to see that they were just as nonchalantly unresponsive as the days before. So I gave up on them. I KNOW! SO BAD! I just got frustrated and curtly told them that if they didn't have anything more to say, we can just close up (this was like 5 minutes into small group time, which was supposed to last...longer than that), and I walked out. I WALKED OUT. What a disobedient and impatient little brat. But then, praying by myself, I knew that I had to go back. So, biting back my stupid pride and whatever else was in the way, I went back to the room and was surprised to see the girls still sitting there. I apologized and asked if we could talk some more, since it was our last meeting time. I shared a bit about the silly things that plague the daily life of little Madison Lee (feeling so insignificant and bratty, comparing my luxurious worries to what these kids go through), and amazingly, each person opened up in an amazing and personal way. I won't share details here because I want to protect these bared souls, but...yeah. God is amazing. Even when I gave so feebly and small-ly He used that.
• "Hey! ...You changed my life! (Saturday July 2nd early morning journaling...catching up ...7:30ish)"
•  Documenting a piece of dialogue. The last conversation I had with one of the kids. That's it. haha
• "You are loved! (Friday, July 1st)"
• I had wanted to write a little note to each person I had gotten close to in the Teen Program, but -__- fell asleep the night before and didn't have a chance to. But, still wanting to give the kids a little something, I condensed all the feelings and thoughts I had for them into one slip of 3x1 paper ripped out of my journal and...that was this. A leeeetle note saying "You are loved! -Madison"
• "It's all hot" 
• One tiny sentence that led to a special afternoon of spending time together, playing the piano and talking about nothing much. After our afternoon activity one day, some of the leaders took the kids down to Sonic, but one of the teens wanted to stay behind at the church because it was "all hot" and stuff and she didn't feel like walking. I stayed behind with her. Was surprised and grateful and humbled that she opened up to me that afternoon. Ah so much prayer needed for her.
• "Ephesians 6, Romans 6 (I read this), James 4 (Thursday July 7th 9:08 am @ Wilsdorf/Chem lib)"
• Remembering what happened Thursday night, after the Youth Rally. This whole "deliverance" business was a lot more straightforward than I expected. But then again...I guess I didn't really have any expectations or knowledge of how it would be. Ask me about this in person.
• "...and sat on ledges and wished that I had my phone with me so I could call someone from up there and say, "I'm calling you from the top of the world!" (Sunday July 10th 4:29pm @ Greenberry's)"
• Remembering a grand, thought-ful moment on Saturday, when we went hiking in Sedona. John and Lana are a couple there, ministering to a college fellowship called One Tribe (at NAU). John gave his testimony which was...so powerful in like, a really caaalm way haha. Hard to explain. It just made me think a lot about the future, God's plans, etc. Need to think and pray more about this, so check up on me later :)
• "so easy breezy (Wednesday June 29th 11:59pm Greyhills Hotel)"
• ...was my trip compared to the missionaries' lives - Peter and Joann, John and Lana, and soon Bob and Angela and all their families, too. One thing that consistently made me tear up was praying for these people who were so obedient to God's call and were serving Him FOR REAL, with all their lives, in this desert place. I just found it so heartbreaking and heartwarming and...really convicting, I guess, how these missionaries simply laid down their own lives and pursued after what God called them to do. So amazing. So admirable to me.

 There are so many more bullet points to be explained, so many quotes to be explored, but...this entry is already so long. I'll stop here with

"...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:9

and thanksgiving and praise to the amazing Creator who loves beyond all human feeling, who exceeds all human understanding, who pours out rain in the desert, who cares for the smallest and the weakest and those that absolutely cannot finish even teeny things like blog posts, without His grace.

P.S.
links to pictures:
TubaCity pt.1
TubaCity pt.2
though you probably have to be a friend of a friend of mine at least, to see them

infinitely proportional

I drove up to Northern Virginia (fondly known as "NOVA" to Virginians) this weekend, all by myself. It's really not that long or arduous of a trip - just 1.5 to 2 hours, literally straight down one road all the way from Charlottesville to the destination. But it just felt like (and honestly really was) a humongo deal to me, cause it was the first time I had driven anywhere "long distance" and that "foreign" by myself, aaaaaaand cause I have this tendency to fall asleep whenever I happen to be in a car for more than like 31 minutes. Even if I'm driving :(. It was scary and adventurous, and I kept stalling my leave, checking over and over if I forgot to pack anything (even though it was only gonna be a one-night stay) and asking my mom if she thought I had enough underwears (a common theme in my pre-traveling worries) and reading again and again my ghetto little mapquest printouts ("Continue to follow US-29N for....76.9 miles." Basically the entire trip) because we do not have a GPS. But finally, I left. Left the garage, left my street, left my neighborhood, left Charlottesville.

At first it was really scary and I felt so unskillful and green and tenderfooted (hah! cute, thesaurus.com), even just driving down the section of US-29 that I know well. Especially cause I got it into my head that the experience needed to be documented and began taking video footage of everything remotely significant and also painfully insignificant ("nowwww it's been 4.8 miles!" "nowww it's been 11.9 miles!" "hey, madison county! that's me!" "first official CD change!" etc.). All while driving. I know - so dangerous and reckless. I'm sorry :'(

But after 79.90 total miles, "1 hour and 35 minutes," one screaming ambulance passing by, and one wrong turn/subsequent u-turn later, I was there. And then I made another video celebrating that.

whatta n00b

In nova! All by self! Via automobile! Driven by self! Safe and sound! In short, a small miracle. Especially considering all the videotaping that was going on simultaneously to the driving and combined with the madison lee klutzy factor. Wow.

It was a wonderful weekend - full of unexpected kimchi-making, mission trip meeting-attending, pho and jajangmyun-eating, late night confessions-confessing, anddddd more. driving. around. nova. by. self. I kept having to convince myself that a bjillion people drive around nova ALL the time - it was just another place where people lived and drove around, just the way I drive around Charlottesville all the time. Haha but ultimately I got everywhere safely and even made a spontaneous stop in Centerville (Centreville?) WITHOUT any pre-mapquested guidance (I followed someone else's car HAH) and only got a smallll tiny bit lost on my way back home. Bubble tea in hand and looking down the row of traffic along a now-familiar road that is 29N, I was triumphant.

Hahaha juuuuuuust joshin' - no triumphant feelings, just gratefulness. Because honestly who am I kidding? I probably did everything wrong to stay safe on those formidable roads of nova. Video-ing, talking to self, thinking about things other than driving (like vlogging)...but because God is great and all-powerful and a loving Protector, of silly little me, even, I went to nova and drove around a bit and came all the way back home. Safely. Re-re-re-realizing how scary of a feat that really is for clumsy me, but how nbd it would seem to upperclassmen (and other more adult people) who drive back and forth between here and nova all the time it occurred to me that as we get older, the adventures we face get scarier and scarier. And that God's grace and love and protection grows greater and greater to cover all our inadequacies and all the extra scariness of the new adventures.

The greater the trial, the greater the blessing.

how infinitely proportional, this love!

And what shall we fear when there is such powerful love protecting and guiding and urging us on, to the next and next and next next adventure. Ahh I am such an unnecessarily-scaredy cat sometimes.

• David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished. -1 Chronicles 28:20

• Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. -Deuteronomy 31:6

• The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? -Psalm 27:1

• So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

• For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. -Isaiah 41:13

Okay confession: I just googled "bible verse what shall i fear" haha..but all these verses are so good and true.

 So, in conclusion -

 adventure is out there!

&

to infinity and beyond!

la famiglia italiana

This summer is honing me into a champion channel-surfer. Honestly, I am very impressed by the combination of the nimble agility of my remote-button-pressing fingers with the lethargy of the rest of my body. As I sit, a puddle of slumpy posture and comatose laziness, my fingertips dart across the tiny stadium that is the surface of the button board of our small black remote control for the downstairs TV (I mostly watch TV downstairs because that one has one extra channel). It's amazing, the activity level of my fingers compared to the rest of me. Even my brain is resting and my heart is probably beating slower, and my eyes, blleeeeghhhhhh-ly half-opened, don't even  have to be looking down at the remote. The fingers have memorized every plushy button, every crook and nanny, every small indentation of this magical little box that controls the bigger magical box.

..................

Okay seriously, why do I never write about what I'm really blogging to write about in the first paragraph? What is wrong with me? I wanted to write about Italian families and Korean families. Hing.

"joy! there is joy in the physics library" & "the empire of clemons is in decline..."

I've been making good use of my pockets lately - they are turning out to be super handy hand-keepers (heehe) whenever I stroll up and down picturesque aisles of books about chemistry and physics things I don't understand (The Physics of Inorganic Chemistry and Supersymmetric Gauge Field Theory and String Theory and AHH). I'm working at the Chemistry and Physics Libraries this summer, for UVA. It is a bit of an outdated thing, I know - this whole searching for books at the library and actually using them as resources business - but to my quiet delight, I have found that people actually do use these books. They look up call numbers and browse the tall stacks and pull out these intimidating titles from their cozy little bookspaces among their brethren and open them and ask them for information - to avert Chemistry crises and Physics fixes.

The library, for these (mostly) graduate students and faculty members, is more than just a place that provides an excuse to get together and "study" (especially during the summer). They are immersed in their work here, truly - writing theses and looking up other people's theses and studying for MCATs and running their hands over the bindings of colorful reference books not just to look/feel picturesque

that's me!

but actually ending up at the one special book that holds the secret end to their mini search. The index finger stops its journey along: first, the rows of books, then the rows of fine print, then there is the nod. Then, a satisfactory grin (optional) and a return to the table to resume studies and researchings and more nodding and looking and reading and studying. They open up these books and glean information, asking the fine print to surrender some bit of obscure clarity - with words that are total blabber to me, but gigantic, shiny "AH hAH" moment for these thinkers of science. And...okay it's creepy that I watch, I guess, but this whole endeavor still kind of a novelty for me and it makes me happy to see these ridiculous books fulfilling their purpose.

Life at the library behind the mysterious "Library Staff" desk entails more than creepily watching people find books, though (or noting how many times they get up to refill their water bottles...this guy has refilled his 1029013892 mL water bottle like 3 times within the past 1.5 hours!!). Here are some ultra-exclusive insights to the (not-so-)secret life of a librarian, just for you, dear reader:

1. There's a large, gray box that comes to the library from the outside world, once each day, holding books and journals and things returning home or being delivered to the Department that all need to be discharged, sorted, and shelved or delivered to faculty mailboxes. On the crazy days, it is teeming (~6 books), and on slow days it is practically empty. It all depends, really, and every opening of the box is an exciting event - like a plasticky box of papery chocolates. Okay not really but still exciting!
2. We also send out his twin - a different large, gray box - filled with books and articles to be sent to other libraries and departments once every day. A delivery man named Sam (HE'S HERE RIGHT NOW!) comes and delivers/picks up our "gray trays" - he is our man with the dolly. He has a lot of tattoos and always asks how we're doing.
3. Sometimes there are new editions of journals that come in, asking to be cataloged and added to the collection. This is exciting because it's like initiating a baby into the family. I sticker him and enter him into The System (dun dun dun), and shelve him in his own little place, right next to his kind. Very cute.
4. Once in a while, the phone rings and I have to collect myself before answering. It's usually not a big deal, just "Hello, Chemistry/Physics Library" is enough, but I always have a mini freak out because picking up the phone is kind of nerve wracking! What if they ask me something I don't know? What if I'm alone and can't ask anyone for help? What if I STUTTER. All these questions are silly because I know what to do in each situation (ask supervisor, take down name and email and forward to supervisor, laugh at self and try again), but I guess it doesn't help that I don't get to practice much since phone calls are not that frequent.
5. For the copy machines, we get the ultimate privilege of using this magical swipey card with a maximum limit of 10,000 copies per swipe. I know, it's thrilling. But the copies are for faculty members requesting articles and stuff. No butt-copying or any monkey business like that here!!
6. Not a part of the standard librarianship of the Physics Library, but on certain special days I also water the plants. HEEHEEHeH :)
7. Actually, there are TONS of useful resources that are probably very underused - through the library website and stuff; basically the things that our high school librarians made presentations on that I never really paid attention to (database searches and stuff, you know). I'm very enthused about it, so ask me if you EVER need help finding specialized articles or resources for research papers blahblah.

Anyways, so far I love my summer jobs - which isn't saying much, I spose, since I'm sitting here updating you, little blog. Title credits to Vicky, my supervisor in Physics, and Cheryl, in Chemistry. Real life quotes, respectively. hahaha

the longest eyebrow hairs in the world

Standing in front of me this very moment is the owner of the longest eyebrow hairs in the entire world. His facial hairs are confusing - no excessive beard hairs or nose hairs or even ear hair tufts poking out like you often see in old men's ears...but the eyebrow hairs are so long and...bounteous (thanks, thesaurus.com!). Yes, bounteous. Plentiful and abundant and fertile, flush, generous. Prolific and replete. Swiiiiimming. Teeeeeeming.

He owns a head full of white hair - with a (somehow) not-unpleasantly-receding hairline - and kind eyes and smile wrinkles. He is clean-shaven, appropriately-dressed in a not-overly-fancy-but-well-put-together in a science professor kind of way. He is articulate as he formulates his complicated questions about bibliographic searches one can conduct in the library system, but I hear nothing as Cheryl, master librarian of the Chemistry Library and my supervisor, has taken over and I sit back - pretending to be attentive to their conversation like a good trainee, but in truth only watching his eyebrow hairs move up and down with the rest of his expression like small insects with lots of long, wiry legs. Or two teeny claws extending their long nails in a friendly hello.

They are not unpleasant, these extremely long eyebrow hairs. They add to his conversation, like a small, politely enthusiastic third party chiming in its agreement or confusion, whatever the situation calls for. They are like his own small cheerleaders - approving and punctuating and ever enthusiastic.

I wonder if they provide his eyes with extra shade. I wonder if they get in the way when he runs a tired hand over his face on an especially stressful days. I wonder if he likes them, or if he minds them, or if he has tried to battle them before in his youth but has come to accept them now. I wonder if they have grown longer in his older age, cause I know that happens with old men and their ear hairs. I wonder if they make his brow any heavier than mine. I wonder if he has developed extra muscle - however minuscule - in his forehead from carrying the weight of these extra-long hairs around. I wonder what kind of provisions and blessings God has given this man through these extraordinary eyebrow hairs. I wonder.

I hope he visits again soon.

he wasn't like this.

"one groweth"

Okay first things first, the title is supposed to be "one grows" except in olde Englysh (haha not really) - that's why it's one groweth, cause it's like "He drinketh some coffee...eth." Okay fine really not really; actually Old English is like a completely different language it's pretty crazy.

And second things second, I really have to preface this with a "WHAT?! WHERE DID FIRST YEAR GO? HOW DID THIS HAPPENNN!!!??!" I know everyone is saying that around here, just about their respective school years being over (except the high schoolers...oops), but it really is crazy. How can this year already be over? I'm not done being a first year yet - not done being new at everything, not done living at Maupin, not done being roommates with Maddie, not done eating breakfast at O'Hill everyday...seriously. But I guess I'm being kicked out. Done. Boom. Out out. No more living close to every other first year, no more walking everywhere due to lack of knowledge of the bus system (I'm learning), no more being physically and socially lost (...weeeellll...).

So before it all falls out of my brain, here are a few of my favorite memories (warning: not in chronological or alphabetical or any other kind of order)...

...of my first year at UVA 2010-2011!!

They are small, big, and medium and probably boring for a lot of people, but they were momentous to me, and I'm just trying to keep a record so I can look back and remember. Sorry about the monster-sized post ahead!! The scrollbar will probably be really tiny after I'm done with this.

1. One fateful bike ride with Maddie when everything went wrong at the same moment - 29340984 cars appeared from nowhere, pedestrians popped up to get in the way, bike pedal fell off - but we were too busy crazy-laughing to care too much.

2. Yodeling like these people after one especially sugar-loaded brunch at Runk.

3. 40-minute walk down McCormick Road from Old Cabell to Maupin - just cause I could. I think it was Friday and I was done with all my classes and felt like walking s u p e r  s l o w l y because I wanted to revel in not trying to get somewhere so fast. With my iPod and blue-toed flats, savoring every. slow. step. and hopefully not annoying too many people...heeehe I tried to stay on the edge of the sidewalk, like the slow edge of the track, you know?

4. Taking the scenic route up to my room from the beginning of the Maupin sidewalk. AKA walking purposely a little extra distance (like 3 feet, no big deal) instead of straight up the close-by stairs because the trees in front of our building are like a canopy under which one feels like a forest princess (or prince, yes).

5. Cramming into one tiny practice module at Old Cabell with Rajni, Densey, and Ericsam to practice this incredibly sad song over and over:

6. Naming Eric Ericsam - I've never had much luck with nicknames until E.S.! His real name is Eric but on the first day we met I think I decided (what a brat) that he looked more like a Sam and called him that for days until he finally broke down in tears and pleaded with me to at least call him Ericsam (just kidding about the tears). Wait a minute - I just realized how close this is to Samneric, from LOTF...WOAH.

...WOAH!!

7. The first night of art explosion when Maddie and I started scribbling all over our walls and officially became friends, not just roommates.

before (left): awkward and naked
after (right): comfortable and decorated! haha sorry Maddie...it's another sleeping picture...
(maddie and walls, respectively)

8. Lovey-dovey couple sighting at Clemons with Tim. I think they were in the pre-official, flirting stage so they would keep just sneaking looks at each other and being subtly annoying with their giggles and ticking each other. There was a bit of internal drama for the girl for a while because the guy went somewhere and didn't come back for a long time - she kept looking around, worried, unable to move on from the one page she was reading for like 400 minutes. And also she looked a little bit like a lion. I don't know - something about her...nose/mouth area. I had been chatting with Tim and told him to come over and see the small spectacle these people were making of themselves and at first he was like nah they're not so bad, but soon agreed with me that they were kind of ridiculous. Anyways by the end of the night (or day, whenever it was), they (and I) had gotten no work done. Absolutely none.

"bleh we like each other so much but we're not officially dating yet just flirting so it's kinda awkward! bleh we're gonna keep distracting other people around us by being cute/noisy/annoying! bleh! bleh! bleh!" (them, not us)

9. "Homeworking" at Crossroads with Maddie in the booth next to the extremely loud bro who was talking about girls and weekends - seriously I have never heard anyone with a louder conversational voice. The homeworking attempt just ended up with me and Maddie just making loud, obnoxious noises once in a while, half imitating the bro, half hoping he would take the hint. And then laughing about it like this: beweehwhahahhhHEIhihihulhuoohohlhlhuhuhlahahaaalal!!

10. Eating nova-originated pho and feeling a little bit bad about stinking up Crossroads - delivered by David "da bait" Densey. Seriously THE BEST <3

11. Finding, and freaking out about, the straightest banana in the world. 

I mean just LOOK AT IT!!

12. Exam-induced mania that resulted in secret identities.

Stanislov and Boris

13. One solitary afternoon spent exploring the Rotunda and all its symmetry! I think I got distracted on my way home from class and ended up here. It was a Monday. Solo adventures are the best - sometimes you just gotta be alone, and that's O.K!

from inside - hellooooooo Old Cabell!

boO

trying to take a timer picture in the Dome Room, fulfilling so many stereotypes: asian, tourist, noob first year...

14. Going to Skyline and oooh-aah-ing at the 2 billion shooting stars that decided to fall that night! Then coming back to Earth and eating McDonald's with John, Clarisse, Kenneth, David at the Lambeth amphitheater.

15. First day of Musicians on Call when mystery shopkeeper gave me a tiny paper bag with 3 Lindt truffles inside with a quiet "thank you."

16. Finding a wardrobe of mysterious purposes in Webb Lounge - "The Morgue" - and deciding to hide in it and then deciding to do a whole photoseries about explorer Maddie discovering a strange creature inside the weird wardrobe.

17. Christmas celebration in Maupin 220s for which we were never given our rightful reward of 1 Arch's ice cream pie. Though we spent 2.5 hours waiting for the judges to come and way too many dollars at the dollar store on cheap decor, it was worth the suite bonding and general Christmas merriment.

18. Plucking a certain DH's overgrown eyebrows in Christina's common room and being walked in on by Jacqueline, our RA. Taking pictures to document the evening's activities but swearing to never ever publicize them. 

19. Skipping February 7th of my a-picture-a-day calendar because it pictured a woman so ugly it was frightening. Seriously, what were they (the artist, museum personnel who chose to make the painting important, calendar publisher...everyone who had a part in causing the painting to reach my eyeballs) thinking?! Shudder...

20. Conquering DungeonMan. 

THE FLASK

21. Every time that this happened in chem postlab. Though all green doesn't necessarily mean you're all right...haha.

so excited I took a screen capture of it...

22. Discovering our downstairs (like through the ceiling and through the floor) neighbors in 123!! And proceeding to jump up and down while facebook chatting, "CAN YOU HEAR US?!" and yelling out the window and being responded with chairs banging on their ceiling/our floor. SO MAGICAL! :D

23. Spending an entire month of wintry nothingness, reveling in the beauty that is college vacation time. Being a baby at home and drinking hot chocolate all the time out of giant mugs and bathing Binky and building fires in the fireplace every night. 

24. Texting Joshua Hahm about the state of current precipitation whenever it was raining.

25. Coffee date with Josh Larosa - opposite-soul-revealing, etc. Coffee, blogtalk, discovering how different our brainwaves are.

this isn't from THE coffee date^, just a random time I happened to take a picture of Josh with a cup of coffee

26. Valentine's Day blahblah don't careboutit blah sorrybout it lalala. Okay seriously though - from GCF first year boys' awesomeness to lovenotes in Italian to secret stuff that was crazy but not regretted, really truly.

27. Amy and David's wedding in Philadelphia over Spring Break. It was my first real wedding (one for "my person" getting married, not a family friend or someone my parents know or something) and so touching and crazy (people I know as my sort of peers are getting married now?!) and also they played the Amelie soundtrack at the reception <3

not Amy and David HEEEHEEee

28. This obnoxiously gigantic apple that I found at O'Hill one day that followed me, like, everywhere, and demanded that I take pictures of it in like, every pose. 

if you're fb friends with me, you can read his whole life story!

29. Unplanned all nighter at Clemons that snuck up on me, but was somehow enjoyable in lots of different ways: because of boys talking about basketball (or something...), candy thrown into the air, early morning texts about being "awake as ever EVER!" and the stupid IR final that justified the all-nighter in the first place.

30. Easter Eve, ordering kabobs to Clemons and then ice cream cake at midnight to break Lent. Nuff said. ...Okay but with that said, must add: also doing healthily happy things with Maddie, like spending my entire last day at school together picnicking in New Cabell, sun-lounging and clover-searching in front of Maups, taking good pictures of one another and talking and laughing about everything. 

31. Creating several-minute-long videos, trying to capture my life at certain memorable moments and ending up with shaky footage of things anyone not in the video will skip through (actually I can see some people in the video skipping through it, too). Haha but it doesn't matter because it makes me laugh and remember and marvel at a time "so long ago!" when so many things were different, but also the same. Oops sorry for saying stuff that amounts to nothing.

32. Sitting through extremely long Tollywood movies and groaning about them afterwards.

33. Convocation: sitting facing the Rotunda and thinking about how we'll turn around to face Old Cabell in just a few years. Lots of people complained that it was boring and cheesy, but I really liked it.

34. Train traveling down to Charlottesville from a short stay in nova. It was too short of a ride for all the pictures I wanted to take, all the reading I wanted to do, all the chocolate I wanted to eat picturesquely. 

35. Taking Claire Lyu, who blew my mind every Tuesday and Thursday with her brilliance, out to lunch  (despite my secret fear of Western utensils). My notes from FREN 3032 are full of emoticons like this ":o !!!!!!!!!!!!!!" At lunch, we both had the chicken caesar salad, talked about France/Korea/America, and wondered about each other's brains, I think. 

36. James Cargile, the only reason for me not dropping Symbolic Logic like 309482 times. He enjoys banana bread as dessert to his lunch, works "for freedom", often forgets (to turn on) his hearing aids then sheepishly grins about it. Unfortunately I will probably never again take another class with him (at least let us hope not...for my academic sanity's sake) - I shall miss his brilliance, kindness, and weird humor that makes him admit his "minor pedagogical tragedies."

37. Eunice NO FEAR Jang, the common denominator to so many delightful things in my life this year: prayer team, being tablemates at Amy and David's wedding reception, GNO (girls' night out, as abbreviated by Bobbie) with much Enchanted sing-along-ing, Anne of Green Gables party with kimchi bokeum bap and cookies, crashing a sleepover at Aileen's with a funny collection of people :) 

38. Planning to write a blogpost about all the ways in which "one groweth" during the first year of college and realizing what a baby I still am and therethusforthly not being able to write that original post at all. Realizing that I'm a work in progress and all the ways in which God provides and being okay with not even having that much closure. Learning that I'm immature in ways that I didn't even imagine - how bad I am at moving out and saying goodbye. And at ending blogposts. eep.

GOODBYE FIRST YEAR!

moving out

I've done it a lot of times, but I'm finding that I'm terrible at packing up and moving out.

Trying to move out of 223 Maupin right now. Taking all the scraps and junks off the wall. Taking down posters. Looking around constantly, uselessly. Heart beating harder. Drowning in my own sentimentality. It's scary. This is like dismantling a life. A bigger deal than anticipated. Why is it? Why is it such a big deal? I've moved so many times before. Packed up boxes and left places, blowing kisses and hiding tears or not hiding them. But this time is different from the other times.

I think it's because every scrappy scrap of sticker and crap and sticky note and piece of junk is completely mine. A scrappy piece of life that I've made on my own, completely own - or at least as "on my own" as I've been in my life. Everything I'm going to have to pack up was put in its messy place was put there by my hand or foot or whatever. Every piece of writing or drawing on the wall was created by me or by friends or friends of friends and I experienced it being created. Every mess is mine. Every beautiful thing is mine. Every.thing. is a part of this life I've made. Here. And it's hard to take it all down, I guess.

And all that just magnifies and makes me think of how it'll all be forgotten after us. Especially with Maupin being torn down. All these memories we made and places we touched will be gone. And we will probably never be together in one place like this again - even the people I never got to meet, dear unknown Maupin-mates (this strange first year identity that will hold us together as this weird group forrreverrrr). Yeah I'm a sentimental Sally, but can you really blame me for fearing my own forgetfulness? It's the scariest thing, I think - my own surprising ability to lose things from my brain and heart. Stuff just tumbles out - that's why I photograph documentarily and write so often about "thisverymoment"s instead of doing homework.

maddie and madison at maupin

So anyways, here I sit, with all my sticky notes still up around my desk carrel and sitting in the midst of my books and postcards and posters and pictures I have yet to take down. Drowning. Tired. Kind of...really scared. And all this talking about on my own/the fact that Maddie is sleeping making me feel really alone - haha silly. The only thing that constructively keeps building up is the increasing volume of the sighs filling the atmosphere. And can you really even call sighs constructive?

I know I'll probably look back at this post and feel dumb but here's to capturing the moment. Clicking the PUBLISH POST button...n o w !

"libarry crazy"

(Strawberry alert)

My life is so full of cuteness right now. And I've been kind of itching to blog in the midst of finals (and name it "libarry crazy," but for other reasons than those listed below) - maybe to defy...stuff. Probably mostly myself. Hm I don't know; I'm tired. So here's my excuse: my life is so full of cuteness right now.

Cuteness 1.

JJ Heller - When I'm with You (discovered this thanks to Rebecca - youtube repeating like crazy ever since)

Cuteness 2. Boys. More specifically, studying (..."studying") with boys and sitting and listening to them talk all excitedly about sports mumbo jumbo that I don't understand. It really is like a language that I just don't get. Flows into one ear and jumps out the other. Really. (But I did learn about this guy - apparently he eats a lot of candy...obviously that would be the only part I understand.)

Cuteness 3. Boys. More specifically, being with them when their Bible study leaders bring them bags of candy for morale, which they proceed to immediately throw up into the air in celebration so it's like raining candy. Okay actually only one boy did that but it was still like cute overload (hope he never reads this cause he doesn't need to know I think he's cute).

Cuteness 4. Sitting in Clemons but not feeling hostile towards it haha. Actually, sitting in Clemons and actively feeling happy and stuff because I'm just people watching (and actively not studying...) - watching people be hopeful in the midst of exams, being solidarity-y with each other, sharing junky food, and smiling even though they're studying hard (or not so hard). Wutevers!

Cuteness 5. Feeling things for other people who are...not me. I've been so wrapped up in myself, my tiredness, my busy-ness lately that I forget to think of other people, feel for them. Making wishes for other people and praying for them when I see them run hurriedly and worriedly toward some unknown location - that they get there soon/on time, and safely. Hm sorry sorry sorry this makes no sense :(

Cuteness 6. Confessing to people that my shoulders are in pain and tentatively asking for back massages but receiving terrible, albeit very very well-meaning ones. Hahahaha oh well.

Cuteness 7. 

it's the same song but sounds a little different. cause i like circular progression of things.

EDIT: 5/10/11 12:51 am 

Just found this on my desktop! It's from the morning after this post was originally written, at Clemons. I ended up pulling an allnighter and being joined by another libarry crazy, sitting in the booth behind me. HAHA!

gotcha

"un moment émouvant"

My laptop is way too heavy to carry around to all of my classes. So I don't. Then I justify this with all sorts of excuses: "with a computer in class, I'll just be distracted!"..."taking notes by hand makes me feel like a real student!"..."motor memory...yay?!" (irrelevant when you can't read the notes afterwards because they are only a mass of sleepy scrawlings all over the notebook pages...sigh).

But...let's be real - the one true reason is that carrying my laptop around is cause it tips over the weight limit of my backpack from heavy to backbreaking. I have a weak back, I think.

But Thursday, April 28th was a day that truly made me regret this silly habit of never bringing my laptop to class. It was a day when I wished I could write as fast as I could type - to capture all the words falling from my French professor's mouth, from her brilliant brain.

FREN 3032 was my daily inspirations class of the semester. I mistakenly thought it was going to be taught by a TA, but it turns out that Claire Lyu is not only NOT a TA, but a science genius tri-lingual lover of French poetry - basically the adult I want to be when I grow up. And on this past Thursday, our last real class of the semester since we're taking our final test on our actual last class, she was more full of beautiful words than usual. She wanted to send us off on...good feet, I think. Or something. Obviously I am far from the eloquence that is my French professor.

She said that she had experienced "un moment émouvant" - an emotional moment, a touching moment - the night before, while reading this collection of literary criticisms. The passage she wanted to share with us was about the song of a bird. I know it sounds super sappy, but no worries because honestly I didn't get it all either and thusly will not expound upon it...hahaha. But she was talking about how powerful some literature can be - how some works have the ability to switch up the power dimensions of a relationship you can have with it ( :P kind of like this). Usually when you're reading something, you're in power. The subject is you and the object is it. You hold it, open it up on the webpage, pick up the book that contains it and control it. You read it and judge it and analyze it and finally pronounce that it is good or rather bad or quite mediocre, while it sits quietly and looks up at you and simply exists. Naked and vulnerable.

But...Claire Lyu shared with us that some works of literature take that power position away from you. Totally and surprisingly. You had no idea it would happen, but then there you are - suddenly pierced through the heart and defenseless, and the thing is staring at you instead of you looking at it. Suddenly it knows your heart and what you love and hate and mediocrely like. And to sum it up, she read to us from the book. That

"On ne sorte pas indemne de ce gen de livre."
"One does not escape unscathed from such a book."

And that that's why we study literature. Because sometimes, it has this power to make us buckle at the knees and cry or laugh, or stay completely quiet. Because it has the power to make you reveal your soul to it and to others - and that is the difficulty of humanities classes (gross generalization - please excuse me). I know I (self-destructively) stand right alongside the engineering school kids when they joke about our School of "Arts and Crafts" classes, but truly, humanities classes are difficult in their own way. When you analyze a piece of literature, even in just discussing it, you're revealing a piece of your soul: what you think about this piece of someone else's brain, heart, and how you believe it applies to your brain and heart. When you create a piece of art, you're undressing a little bit of your secret self and representing it concretely for whoever happens to walk by to see - it's bravery at its finest. When you write an essay, analyzing and synthesizing (at least when you do it right), you're investing a chunk of your brainwaves to this clean slate of paper and bringing into being not just some inky letters but an idea, a new thing, fresh and alive into the world. It's an emotional thing - you invest your heart in it a little (or a lot).

When was the last time you were brave enough to get naked for a math equation? Do molecular structures inspire you to tears or pierce through your heart or render you completely helpless and reveal a part of your soul (not counting those times when you despaired like a baby because you didn't get the concept)?

These are the questions and affirmations that Claire Lyu inspired on the second to last day of my French class. As we all responded in the various ways that we usually do - from yawning to acting cool/like we understand everything she just said to sitting on the chairseat edges trying to engrave into our minds every pearly bead of wisdom that fall from her mouth - Madame Lyu remarked that maybe it's because of all the talk of bird songs, but that she felt like a mama bird letting all her babies fly out of the nest.

buh-bye!

And with that image, I said a bittersweet goodbye and floated out of room. Feeling broken into, a little bit taken by surprise, and a tiny bit...more naked than I had felt going into class on that fateful Thursday afternoon.

the unicorn in my IR discussion

There is a unicorn in my International Relations discussion.

PLIR 1010.
Wednesday afternoon, 4 p.m. to 4:50 p.m., SHARP.
In the (fittingly) mystical land of Nau Hall.

Okay okay I'm just kidding; you got me. But in all seriosity, in this weird...mythical-creatures-existing-in-everyday-life kind of way, she is a little bit like a unicorn to me - singular magical horn and all. It all started with an innocent game of ASSASSINS. You know - dorm bonding fun activity at the beginning of the Fall semester, getting us to get to know our buildingmates by formulating complicated plots to kill each other as targets of our assassinary and forming alliances and suffering bitter betrayals and surprise strikes. And stuff. If you signed up, said "yes, I shall participate!", this grand assassin scheme-master would plug you into his very complicated system and email you a target to kill and if you succeeded, you would take on the mission of killing your target's target and on and on until one ultimate assassin reigned over all of our dead bodies (our method of killing was sock-throwing, targeted below the head. Relatively safe). The game also involved silly immunities and stuff. Lots of people changed their facebook identities and it got very complicated and intense - people carrying around dining hall take-out boxes for entire days was not an uncommon occurrence.

So I was assigned this girl. And really, did everything "right" - looked her up on facebook, carried my sock around faithfully, watched all crowds of people carefully, always on the lookout for a redhead female looking a little fearful for flying socks bulleting toward her. Even found out where she lived, cause I'm friends with one of her suitemates (one floor below me, SO CLOSE and so far!). But alas, fate was not on my side - no redhead I encountered was the redhead of my purpose!

...Until one rainy morning, while walking out of Maupin on my way to Symbolic Logic, I spotted them. The red hairs. Peeping out from under a gray hoodie, which was in turn peeping out from under a black umbrella. Albeit hiding and peeping, they were real, and calling to me. So it was only natural that I chased her down and  (because I felt a little bit bad about totally ambushing her when she was so off-guard and tired looking from the morning being so early) after tentatively yelling, "...hey...!", gently tossed my sock at her arm. And this is the embarrassing story that went down after the sock launch:

redheaded mystery girl: *looks confused*
me: wait...are you Clara Barton ? (not her real name)
rmg: um...no.
me: ....I AM SO SORRY I THREW A SOCK AT YOU YOU SEE I'M PLAYING ASSASSINS FOR MY DORM ASSOCIATION AND AND
rmg: ...it's okay...
me: D:
rmg: *walks away*

So the only real encounter I had with this redheaded target of mine was...not even real. Tragic. But then some days and weeks and months passed and I got over it (oh, and I got killed by this trumpet player who refrains from shoes. In the next door suite). I also heard that she talked to someone about me, how "yeah I was supposed to be playing assassins, but no one ever tried to kill me or anything. I didn't even do any of the immunities!" Sigh. If only she knew.

So imagine my surprise when I saw her sitting in my IR discussion! Wearing clothes that I would wear if my mom didn't already object so much to all my "hobo-like clothing," saying intelligent things while blushing just slightly - basically, all the bases for a beautiful friendship. And now that I can't kill her anymore, I see her around everywhere and all the time. And each passing occurrence of a chance encounter with the redheaded mystery girl (the real one, that is. Though I also see the non-real one everywhere, too. Eeep), I want to reveal myself: It was me. I was your assassin! And I really did try my best to find and destroy you - you were just never the right redhead!! Please understand... But for some reason, I never do. Strange, because I talk to random strangers about intimate things all the time. Err...more frequently than the average person, I think.

But anyways, yeah. I've sat next to her at coffee shops and libraries and IR discussions without saying a word. Because there's a sense of magic in keeping (benign) secrets forever. Because she is a unicorn. Because this way, she is forever mysterious, far away, distinctly unreachable. Distinctly...shouldn't be reachable, in a way, because what if I talk to her and she turns out to not appreciate differentness and never emailed people back or something like that? So for me, she shall forever stay a mystery.

& forever a unicorn

Put this way, I suddenly can't wait to go to discussion tomorrow! Yayayayay for sitting several seats away from unicorns and admiring them from a respectful distance and never revealing your assassin status and keeping benign secrets forever. And for finishing blog posts - whew

escaping the lukewarm

Well right now I'm breathing, blogging, and...flossing muh teeths.

If you wur wondering.

(strawberry alert hurhur) Today was a muggy, muggy day. High of 88/low of doesnt-matter;still-warmish, and a humidity of about 2093480293 percent. But it never quite rained, so all the water was forever stuck in the atmosphere - all, like, holding its breath and clenching its eyes shut and crouching on the verge of curling into droplets but never quite going over the invisible line to condensificationing....you know? It was sunny and gross, wet and breezy, simultaneously beautiful and a little suffocating. 

So, naturally, I was feeling 

and looking

pretty gross all day so at the end of it, decided to take a c o o l shower - uncharacteristic, because I usually like to take (almost) scaldingly hot showers...even in the summer, sometimes. And today's shower was weird. Not only because of the novelty/rarity, but because the faucet seemed confused that I wanted to take such a non-hot shower and kept wavering annoyingly, endearingly, between c o o l and w a r m until I coaxed its handle gently but decisively to the left, at which it finally gave in and allowed me a decisively cool shower. Closer to the plunge into freezing than I ever get in the span of my usual 12-minute showers. But anyways this is getting too too strawberry-ish so here's the point:

As I was taking my decisively cool shower, I noticed a small trend currently active in my life (trend being 2 whole instances): just like my escape from shower climate dilly-dallyings, I am actively escaping (err trying to. trying. to. escape.) lukewarmity in my walk with Christ. A little while ago, I had a conversation with someone who was trying to explain to me why lukewarm Christianity was even worse than being completely cold and far from God. How being bitterly distanced and heartbreakingly glacial is a preferable alternative to halfhearted indecisiveness, right in the middle of the spectrum (which reminds me of...mediocrity, but that's another story). At first, I really didn't get it. How could "super-far-from-God" be better than "kinda-far-from-God"? The kinda-far kind of far-ness means less distance to run back. It means, at least, glimpses and touches, though that's a far cry from direct embrace, I know. The kinda-far kind of far-ness keeps you kinda-safe from the biggest dangers, because while you're kinda-far from saving grace, you're also kinda-far from the cliffs. Kinda.

But God has been opening my kinda-closed eyes to the kinda-obvious answer lately. Through shivery building conversations and introspective coffee dates and decisively cool showers, I've been realizing exactly how scary lukewarmity is. Lukewarm means numbness. Lukewarm is blind to itself. Lukewarm makes you resigned to, and okay with: "Oh well." Because of the lack of complete lack - because you (I, we) don't feel the ache of an absolute void, you (I, we) think this kinda far awayness okay...when it's so not. It's a self-sustained monster, only medium-level scary. AHH the worst kind of them all. At least when the monster is huge and smelly, roaring and in your face, when you're suffering sorely with all your soul, you know you have to do something about it. Run away. Poke its boogery nose with your wand. Start using exclamation points!! So someone will hear and come to help!!!!!! YOU KNOW?!?!!!

At least complete cold pushes you to push yourself to be not so far away anymore. So yes. I get it. In these redundantly-expressed ways and much more, lukewarmity, sneaky and subtle, is the real creature (woah)to be feared. 

Yeah, I'm kind of dumb. This lukewarm thing is actually a huge phenomenon, apparently - google says so. Oops - minus 10 points for living under a religious rock.

Scalding, please.
P.S. I kind of cannot believe that I haven't used the word "tepid" this entire post.

Lukewarm, the conceited jerk, makes you write entire blog posts about itself and then end them with thoughts like

breathing, breathing, ...and teeth-flossing :-(

What a tricky, tricky rascal indeed.

art, art, i want you; art, you make it pretty hard not to

First, click the play button on the video below and listen while you read. Then after you're done reading, listen to the words again carefully. Sorry if you feel bossed around - you don't have to if you don't want to heeheee

There are many things that make me feel like a nobody, a noob. n00b. Taking the bus. Crossing unfamiliar crosswalks. Talking about nice and not so nice cars. But most of the time when that happens, it's okay. I actually kind of like feeling small - like I'm just a teeny piece of something bigger, something greater and more purposeful, like yeah I don't understand what's right in front of me but zoom out and you'll see a more coherent, make-sensical picture and ultimately everything really does make sense, at some level - that's nice. And it's good to be honest about one's noobishness and unashamedly so, sometimes (um yeah I'm having a little trouble figuring out which way to go in this FOUR-WAY crosswalk, but hey it's like only my 4th time here and there are so many cars and persons all around and this thang is complicated!), cause it makes for a good learning experience.

But the thing is, sometimes I feel like a noob about things I claim to love - things I know I do love. Things people think I'm good at (eeeeeep!), just by virtue my appreciation of them, combined with the semi-obscurity of said topics. Poetry. Art. Conversationing about human hearts. Blabbering words and sentences and not being sure I make sense, and even worse, experiencing someone else's elegant eloquence - extremely excellent - and being dwarfed by their genius. Don't misunderstand me - it's not about being jealous or bitter that I'm not smart enough. It's more like...being reminded about how much genius is truly out there in the big world, outside of my own head and feeling kind of scared because I'm supposed to "be good at this," cause supposedly, "omg I luff poetry!" you know? But do I dare even utter these things? Do I dare declare myself an English major? Who will care about what I say, do, make, write, synthesize, create? Am I even worthy of claiming that I love these things, when I know so little and am so inept at even expressing my love? I have no idea.

Art

For those of you who will not click the play button above:

"Art, art, I want you. Art, you make it pretty hard not to.

And my heart is trying hard, here, to follow you

but I can't always tell if I ought to."

partial to parcels

Parcels possess potential. A package wrapped in parchment paper, arriving in the pitch-black of a pristine winter night, packed with peanut brittle. A present containing a purple umbrella – protection against the pitter-patter of a rainy day in Pennsylvania. A paperback Pride and Prejudice with a petite pile of post-it notes, for Professor Pavlo's English 101: the personal reading assignment. It can be anything you want it to be, up until the moment you peel back the wrappings – a pleasant surprise, a mysterious perfection.

Parcel pronounces prettily. The perfect elision from the 'par-' to the '-cel' presenting a poetic partnership of syllables paired in auditory heaven; the two separated ever-pining for each other in the most pathetic of parted-lovers' sighs. One without the other is powerless, pitiful, perished. Preposterous perspiration and panic-inducing paralysis of my pulmonary system demonstrate my most profound passion for 'parcel.'

Parcels play phonetically. With so many possibilities for fortunate spelling faux-pas of this divine word, misspelling is probably more profitable than pernicious. Some strikingly pleasant examples: parsley, atop a prodigious portion of steak, for example; a parasol, for protection against the parching blaze of the summer sun; and Parseltongue, resulting from a particularly egregious error leading to the name of a peculiar language spoken by a certain Mr. H. Potter.

Who isn't partial to parcels? They are perfect.

mmmmmm

Bécquer

Rima XXI

¿Qué es poesía?, dices mientras clavas

en mi pupila tu pupila azul.

¡Qué es poesía! ¿Y tú me lo preguntas?

Poesía... eres tú.

Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer

Rhyme XXI

What is poetry? you ask as you fix 

on  my pupil your blue pupil.

What is poetry! And you're asking me?

Poetry... is you.

Éluard

L'Amoureuse

Elle est debout sur mes paupières
Et ses cheveux sont dans les miens,
Elle a la forme de mes mains,
Elle a la couleur de mes yeux,
Elle s'engloutit dans mon ombre
Comme une pierre sur le ciel.
Elle a toujours les yeux ouverts
Et ne me laisse pas dormir.
Ses rêves en pleine lumière
Font s'évaporer les soleils,
Me font rire, pleurer et rire,
Parler sans avoir rien à dire.

Paul Éluard

Beloved
She is standing on top of my eyelids
And her hair is in my hair,
She has the shape of my hands,
She has the color of my eyes,
In my shade she is engulfed
As a stone against the sky.
Her eyes are always open
And she does not let me sleep.
Her dreams in the bright day
Make the suns evaporate,
And me laugh, cry, and laugh,
Speak without having anything to say.

parts of translations stolen from: 

here & here

natural tendencies

this is the first thing that came to mind. 

I have a simple mind.

I'm all about the "natural tendencies" of things. Like, thinking thinking thinking hard about something complicated or discussing a controversial issue or just doing something repeatedly and coming to the same type of conclusion at the end of every try. The belief that the natural core-being...ness of something being a certain way leads you to the same conclusion every time. Does this make any sense? Probably not :/ Okay let me try some examples:

Like learning about issues of development and reaching a gloomy conclusion every time (no matter what specific thing you're discussing or whatever context the issue is put in): that, yeah, the world is kind of messed up and developing the undeveloped parts of it is a difficult, maybe impossible, thing to do. The AH-what-have-we-done-and-what-are-we-supposed-to-do-now! conclusion at the end of every depressing discussion, because maybe there really is no solution. All we can do is learn about it and keep thinking about it, and weep because we can never fix it.

Or maybe psychology. Or sociology. Evaluating different studies that are supposed to reveal aspects of  "human nature (stuff we're all supposed to have in common. human universals.)" and deciding - dun dun dun, that we really are innately bad, or something (the "or something" here is supposed to indicate my lack of real knowledge, just sayin'). Sorry, try again, Mr. Idealist - "people are all just bad and there's nothing you can do about it" (quoting Mr. Realist, obvi.)

Ahh I'm sorry I suck at not being general and indecisive and confusing and hyphenated. I'm not trying to be mysterious - I just really suck at coherency sometimes. Lots of times. But the idea is that

because something is so inherently ___, no matter how much or in what way you discuss it or think about it or WHATEVER, your conclusion will always end up as          . Those are just the natural tendencies of the ___.  ...Yap.

this is the music in the background of my life during the moments I've been taking to write this post.

just trying to recreate the scene of this gross incoherency. maybe the recreation will make it better.

Despite all the Negative Nancytude that this post is demonstrating about the whole natch.tendencies thang, what I truly wanted to say (what really inspired this late-night blogging) follows thusly: whenever I am communicating with God, whenever I am praying (thankfully about the happy things, complaingingly about the complanatory things; the good-the mediocre-the bad, the whole spectrum of conversation topics you know), no matter what the subject of the moment, I always end up with a "God I love you"

cause God must be "so inherently   love  ."