But here I am just jumping into the thick of it, without using that beautiful quote that a beautiful friend of mine said to me last night. Without any introduction, without a hello, because I'm afraid to lose this moment, and I just feel like writing about this funk. Well, because I feel like I have to write about the funk.
More specifically, this funk phase of mine that I've been trying to escape for a while. Well, kind of. It's a really weird thing, and before I begin describing it, you should know that I'm a generally optimistic, happy, sometimes annoyingly-loud and bubbly person. But this funk phase is killing me, and the best way I can describe it is that I am stuck in the middlest place ever. And also I would like to say now that I don't do drugs. I just say weird things and use nonexistent words to make up for my lack of eloquence. But anyways, so yeah, I'm stuck in the middlest. place. I feel pointless doing anything, and especially in the shower I can't make myself scream, even if I'm screaming on the inside. But it's not as horrific as it seems - I'm not inwardly screaming because I'm tormented or anything like that, but because the experience of my insides not matching my outside layer of actions and words is so weird and...probably sounding really crazy and overdramatic. So yeah, don't be worried - it's not horrific. It's not horrific, or horrifically good, or anything extreme like that. I'm just stuck exactly in the middle. Numb, I think sums up this entire paragraph of blabber in four easy letters.
Anyways, so it's been a mystery, this funk of mine, that my sister first shed light upon for me (does this idiom even exist?): I told her about the showerscreamy thing and all the rest of it, feeling numb and pointless, and she slaps her knees figuratively and goes, "Yeah, that makes total and complete sense. I mean, you're having your senior summer crisis; it's like the movie The Graduate. You're done with this whole big chapter of your life that was high school/studying and being ready and applying to get into college, and you have this void until you actually get to college, and now you're feeling the pointlessness because your life seems empty right now." My sister is 16 years old and definitely hasn't been a senior yet. Her shining wisdom seemed too perfectly sensible to be the actual solution, so I've been skeptical, but then again it also makes so much sense. So I'm in this quandary here.
But yesterday, talking to my beautiful quote friend, I realized something ...seriously beautiful. That the middle of the spectrum, the humdrum, numb middle of anything is still a crucial part of that spectrum. Feeling extreme emotions might be fun, or at least exciting and dramatic if you're on the bad end of the cave or whatever (tunnel? stick? I don't know), but knowing an extreme middle, however unapologetically paradoxical that is, is a part of the experience, too. It's like having a scale of 1-5 from strongly agree to strongly disagree, where you never really pick the 1 or the 5 because you don't want to be held accountable for those crazy extremes but you feel sheepish picking the 3 because it's sort of the easy way out of taking an actual stance. So all you really have left are the 2 and 4. Basically yes and no. How easily black and white the world becomes when you blabber enough!..?
Anyways I keep getting lost like this, but I'm slowly feeling myself resurface, one tiny bob at a time. And this is just the documentation journey I'm finally beginning (un-beginning?) so if I ever seriously fall into the funk again, I won't take so long in talking myself out of it. I'll just read this blog and remember.
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